For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

(John 3:16 ESV)

Do you trust God?

That, really, is the heart of the gospel. Can we, knowing our failure, move past and accept his forgiveness, allowing him to free us from slavery to our sin? He is not the source of our failure to change. We are. We fight against him, not wanting to relinquish the identity that our sin grants, not trusting God to -really- forgive. We look for the catch, wait for the other shoe to drop. So very many people, Christians and seekers alike, suffer from an inability to trust, and it isn’t hard to understand why. Our world, and our lives have conditioned us to be suspicious. “There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch,” Robert Heinlein is famous for writing.[1] People troubled by the problem of evil have a different angle on this question, though, that must be addressed: “Can I trust God?”

The problem of evil, at its core, consists of and is driven by this question. It is not some moot philosophical musing meant for erudite minds who converse via elevated, scholarly prose pregnant with references to the ideas of much smarter men. It is a question we all must ask ourselves, and a question I have been asked, via the vehicle of the problem of evil, on countless occasions by tortured seekers trying to understand the mind of God. Before delving into the answers my research has uncovered, I believe it prudent that we first define some terms, particularly the broad assumptions of the problem of evil itself.

The problem of pain can be boiled down to a non-sequitur in syllogistic form:

· God is Good

· God is all-knowing and all-powerful

· Evil Exists

It is a non-sequitur because the conclusion, that “evil exists,” does not follow from the premises. This is the simplest form of the problem of evil, and on its surface there certainly does seem to be a problem! Each of these statements can be, and generally are, accepted as axiomatic, with very little investigation into what each statement really means. So let’s explore each of these statements in reverse order, starting with the conclusion, “evil exists.”

The Nature of Evil in the World

Perhaps the easiest part of this problem for which to find evidence, the existence of evil is what most of humanity sees as the source of the problem. The other two statements are generally taken as axiomatic and understood in whatever cultural vernacular may shape their form in the mind of the thinker. But, it is useful to examine and define evil in the sense I wish to address it. Evil, for the purposes of this work, is sin. The reason I wish to define evil thus lies in the fact that the events, acts and impulses we would define as evil, such as murder, divorce, child abuse, and even larger events such as the Holocaust or the ongoing tragedy of human trafficking in Africa as well as southeast Asia, all find their impetus in sin.

Now, it is important here that I note I am discussing sin as a corrupting force in creation, and not in any specific sense. In other words, I cannot, nor can anyone, point to any sin or set of sins by any person or subset of people that is the cause of the aforementioned disasters, other than to point all the way back to Adam and the original, inherited sin. That sin corrupted the very fabric of creation, to the point that God destroyed, not just man, but all living things at the flood:

The LORD saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every intention of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And the LORD was sorry that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him to his heart. So the LORD said, “I will blot out man whom I have created from the face of the land, man and animals and creeping things and birds of the heavens, for I am sorry that I have made them.” But Noah found favor in the eyes of the LORD. (Genesis 6:5-8 ESV)[2]

That sin was, as are all sins both then and today, an irrational deviation from the “will of desire” of God, whose penalty before God is eternal death. Now, there are a lot of claims there, so let me pause for a moment to break these down a bit further. First, sin is always irrational. Rebellion from perfection and comfort in the glory of God to imperfection and pain in the absence thereof cannot be the result of a rationally weighed and measured decision. Since it cannot be rational, it must then be irrational and rely on some other motivation than logical thought. That motivation is often an expression of pride, or of desire or greed. All sin, however, has at its core some form of idolatry; that is, placing something, someone or some idea in the place of God, and giving that something your worship. None of these explanations serves to make sin any more rational, however.

God’s will is popularly understood in two contexts, his “will of decree” and his “will of desire.” The former is expressed in God’s perfect and ultimately unobstructable plan for creation. His will of decree will come to pass no matter the machinations of man or angel. We see this will best expressed in the Bible when Paul talks about predestination in Ephesians chapter 1.[3] The other part of God’s will, the “will of desire” is where He lays out His plan for us and then gives us the limited ability to choose whether to honor those desires or not. This is where the idea of “free will” comes in, a term which, as John Calvin noted, brings to mind the image of man as the master of his mind and will such that he “can incline himself to either good or evil.”[4] This is of course an unbiblical and wrongheaded view of human will. Jesus says in Mark 10:18, “No one is good except God alone.”[5] We are creatures of continual sin, and even the subjective moral good we accomplish in life is corrupted by sinful motives and desires (and therefore not objectively good). We are incorrigibly sinful by nature, or as a Calvinist might put it, totally depraved. John Piper says it this way:

In his total rebellion everything man does is sin.

In Romans 14:23 Paul says, “Whatever is not from faith is sin.” Therefore, if all men are in total rebellion, everything they do is the product of rebellion and cannot be an honor to God, but only part of their sinful rebellion. If a king teaches his subjects how to fight well and then those subjects rebel against their king and use the very skill he taught them to resist him, then even those skills become evil.

Thus man does many things which he can only do because he is created in the image of God and which in the service of God could be praised. But in the service of man’s self-justifying rebellion, these very things are sinful.[6]

Evil, then, is a direct result of sin, and sin is the constant state of rebellion of mankind which has corrupted creation root and branch, hoof and feather. Thus far, evil is not a result to be laid at the feet of God, but of mankind. But perhaps moving on to one of the other statements in the non-sequitur that is the problem of evil will shed some light on why so many philosophers have assigned the guilt for evil at the foot of the throne of heaven.

Job – A Story of Sovereignty

God’s omniscience and omnipotence, that is, that he is all-knowing and all-powerful respectively, is nowhere better displayed than in the book of Job. In the story, God gives Satan permission to torment his faithful servant Job to prove a point, that Job will remain faithful regardless of the torture levied against him. After losing his home, his family (except his harpy of a wife), and his dignity, Job finally questions God, shakes his fist at heaven. God’s answer to Job is incredibly instructive on the subject of the problem of evil, and will show up in other places in this paper:

Then the LORD answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:

“Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?

Dress for action like a man;

I will question you, and you make it known to me.

“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?

Tell me, if you have understanding.

Who determined its measurements—surely you know!

Or who stretched the line upon it?

On what were its bases sunk,

or who laid its cornerstone,

when the morning stars sang together

and all the sons of God shouted for joy?

“Or who shut in the sea with doors

when it burst out from the womb,

when I made clouds its garment

and thick darkness its swaddling band,

and prescribed limits for it

and set bars and doors,

and said, ‘Thus far shall you come, and no farther,

and here shall your proud waves be stayed’?”

(Job 38:1-11 ESV)[7]

The point, of course, is that Job is questioning the all-powerful creator. The questions are rhetorical. God is driving home a point, here: that he alone is sovereign over creation, being the hand (and voice) that shaped it from nothing in the first place. This concept of sovereignty will be of utmost importance later in the paper. But God isn’t finished:

“Do you know when the mountain goats give birth?

Do you observe the calving of the does?

Can you number the months that they fulfill,

and do you know the time when they give birth,

when they crouch, bring forth their offspring,

and are delivered of their young?

Their young ones become strong; they grow up in the open;

they go out and do not return to them.

(Job 39:1-4 ESV)[8]

Again, God questions Job, but this time his questions are not about might, but about knowledge. God is again driving home a point that he alone is knowledgeable of all that occurs in creation; he alone is all-knowing. These concepts are simple enough to understand in our culture, as time and cultural mores have not significantly changed them from the absolutes they deserve to be. When we speak of God as being all-knowing and all-powerful, the concept as it forms in the minds of most in our culture is essentially accurate. The last (or rather, first) part of the problem of pain, then, remains: that God is good.

Goodness is Glory is Grace & Wrath

“I put it thus—could God be beheld by the mind of man and His perfections unfolded to our creature apprehensions, we would perceive that the chief splendor of His Majesty lay in His Infinite Benevolence!”[9] says Charles Spurgeon in a sermon on Exodus chapter 33. God’s glory, then, is expressed in creation as his goodness. The source scripture for this quote is Exodus 33:18-23, wherein Moses asks God to reveal his glory. God’s reply was: “And he said, “I will make all my goodness pass before you and will proclaim before you my name ‘The LORD.’ And I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom I will show mercy.“ (Exodus 33:19 ESV)[10] Again, we see this theme of sovereignty at the end of the passage, where God declares that it is his decision how, where and when to mete out wrath or grace. But that’s not what I want to point out, here. When Moses asks God to show him his (God’s) glory, God responds that he will reveal his goodness. So, when Spurgeon says that were we able to see God’s glory, it would look like benevolence, he’s inferring from this passage. But, then we have to consider what comes after when God talks in the same breath about goodness and grace. Spurgeon continues, “The full display of the goodness of God, however, is reserved for the working of His Grace in the redemption of man.”[11] Keep in mind that this working of grace is only a “display” or an expression of God’s goodness, not the sum and total thereof. Coming back to the idea of sovereignty I noted previously, Spurgeon finishes the thought:

It would appear, however, that in the manifestation of this Grace, the goodness of God shines in a peculiar light. Another attribute is blended with it. Permit me to read the verse to you—“I will make all My goodness pass before you, and I will proclaim the name of the Lord before you, and will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show mercy to whom I will show mercy.” You observe here, that while God’s goodness is His Glory, the very glory of His goodness lies in His Sovereignty.[12]

So, according to Spurgeon, and I think this is an accurate and faithful exegesis of the passage in Exodus, the goodness of God is expressed in creation through the sovereign exercise of grace and wrath in response to sin. Why is wrath included? Because implied in God’s statement that he would choose to whom to grant mercy and grace is that he will choose likewise NOT to do so for others. This idea is reinforced multiple places throughout the bible, but none so clearly as in Romans 9 where Paul quotes this passage and comes to the same conclusion as Spurgeon:

What shall we say then? Is there injustice on God’s part? By no means! For he says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” So then it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God, who has mercy. For the Scripture says to Pharaoh, “For this very purpose I have raised you up, that I might show my power in you, and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.” So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills. (Romans 9:14-18 ESV)[13]

I think it is of equal importance in this discussion of God’s goodness to keep in mind while studying the issue that we human beings, God’s creation, are not the stars of the story. We’re not the point of the parable, and we’re not the most important characters in the show. God’s glory is. We are merely a vehicle by which God’s glory is being expressed. Certainly He loves us, but never lose sight of the fact that He does not NEED us. D.A. Carson, in “The God Who Is There”, says:

In eternity past, before there was anything else, God was, and he was entirely full of joy and contentment. Even then he was a loving God because in the complexity of God’s oneness, the Father loved the Son. There was an otherness right within God himself. He did not create human beings because he was lonely…[14]

And then Wayne Grudem picks up the thought in his “Systematic Theology”:

Nevertheless, God created us for his own glory. [Earlier in the book] we noted that God speaks of his sons and daughters from the ends of the earth as those, “whom I created for my glory.” (Isa 43:7, Eph 1:11-12) [15]

This truth is important because we human beings like to feel important, and without a reminder otherwise, it is easy in talking about God’s goodness, glory and grace to imagine ourselves somehow equal participants with God in the expression of his glory. Again, we’re back to sovereignty. God is sovereign because he does NOT share this decision-making power with the Hebrew people. The laws he’s handed down to Moses are not, then, meant to save, to be the measuring stick by which one “achieves” grace. God, we see from the passage in Exodus, is clear about this from the start. He in fact seems quite bent on making sure that Moses (and by extension the Hebrew people) know that sovereign power resides solely at the throne of heaven.

One other point about God’s goodness is worth noting, looking back at the section on evil, where we redefined evil as sin. God’s goodness, we can see from the language of Genesis chapters 1-2, was self-evident in creation. God looked on his creation and at each stage declared it, “good,” [16] with man & woman being “very good.”[17] When God assigns these values to creation in the beginning, he is looking out at this expression of his glory and, in effect, declaring them to be a part of himself. Remember that “only God is good” according to Jesus in Mark 10:18 [18], and yet creation at this point is considered by God to be “good.” Creation, then, as a whole (and not just the aspects of grace and wrath) is an expression of God’s glory and thus goodness, perfect in the beginning and later corrupted by sin.

What, then, is the problem?

If the problem of evil (or sin) is, as we’ve seen, simply part of the plan for God to express his glory via grace and wrath at sin, and that far from contradicting the existence of evil, God’s goodness makes use of it to this end, where does that leave us? What are the causes of the discomfort? What is the source of the problem of evil/sin? In my mind, having resolved the definitions above, there can be only two causes, and these do not exist by themselves. Most often these two causes exist side by side in the questioner. The first is a lack of understanding or respect for the absolute sovereignty of God. Put simply, we don’t know who we are before the holy throne. And how could we? With God made out in so very many Christian churches to be some sort of cosmic vending machine, where prayer is a currency exchanged for blessings; or perhaps the popular view of God as a permissive father figure styled after our mostly-absent baby boomer parents, who could blame the seekers and younger Christians of today for not understanding who God is, and by extension who they are? But it runs deeper than that.

America is a country founded on the idea of self-determinism, of self-reliance. We’re taught from a tender age to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and “succeed,” whatever that word is supposed to mean, and do it by our own volition. Never once is there heard mention of the idea that our fate might not be in our own hands, that all our attempts at control in our lives might be so much smoke and mirrors. As Americans, the idea of defiantly standing up to whatever may come, even to the point of death, and making of it what we can, is a core part of our cultural DNA. A favorite American poem by William Ernest Henley entitled “Invictus” ends:

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll.

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.[19]

How sad, then, that it is humanist nonsense.

The truth of the idea of “free will” is not the object of this discussion, though the idea itself is at the very heart thereof. John Calvin said in his masterpiece, “I abominate mere verbal disputes, by which the Church is harassed to no purpose; but I think we ought religiously to eschew terms which imply some absurdity, especially in subjects where error is of pernicious consequence. How few are there who, when they hear free will attributed to man, do not immediately imagine that he is the master of his mind and will in such a sense, that he can of himself incline himself either to good or evil?”[20] If only his fears had been unfounded. The idea of free will has poisoned the attitudes of mankind towards God, just as Calvin anticipated. Semi-Pelagianism, that is, the idea that man can better himself, change his nature, without the intervention of God, is pervasive both in the church and in our media. The snare of this trap lies in the idea that we can do objective good. Why is this a snare? Well, ask yourself, if you can do good, that is a work that God can deem worthy, what need have you of Christ? Paul says in Ephesians 2:10 “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”[21] Without Christ, those good works are as far beyond our reach as the stars. Also, as we have discovered in the section defining and discussing evil (or sin, rather), man is, to use the Calvinist term, totally depraved, meaning utterly incapable of objective good, among other things.

Renouncing the illusion of control, and acknowledging our inability to save ourselves, these are the first steps towards the Cross. They carry with them an inherent admission that God is sovereign, because if he is not, then he is as powerless to save us as we are. So what does that mean, that God is sovereign? I’ve touched on the subject briefly in a couple of places above, but what does it really mean? A.W. Pink treats the subject thusly in the introduction to his book on the same:

The Sovereignty of God. What do we mean by this expression? We mean the supremacy of God, the kingship of God, the god-hood of God. To say that God is Sovereign is to declare that God is God. To say that God is Sovereign is to declare that He is the Most High, doing according to His will in the army of Heaven, and among the inhabitants of the earth, so that none can stay His hand or say unto Him what doest Thou? (Dan. 4:35). To say that God is Sovereign is to declare that He is the Almighty, the Possessor of all power in Heaven and earth, so that none can defeat His counsels, thwart His purpose, or resist His will (Psa. 115:3). To say that God is Sovereign is to declare that He is “The Governor among the nations” (Psa. 22:28), setting up kingdoms, overthrowing empires, and determining the course of dynasties as pleaseth Him best. To say that God is Sovereign is to declare that He is the “Only Potentate, the King of kings, and Lord of lords” (1 Tim. 6:15). Such is the God of the Bible.”[22]

That God is sovereign, then, means that there is no event, no thought, no intention, and no decision about which he is not eternally informed and which does not lie within his permissive or declarative will. When we acknowledge this fact, side by side with the assertion that God’s goodness is expressed in his glory through the vehicle of grace and justice, we come to a place where we see that all that is, exists for his glory, and that it is his sovereign prerogative to make use of it to that end. It would be an understatement to say that this fact has been a source of near-endless controversy in the Christian world since the time of the apostles.

But an ignorance of who we are before God is not the only source of or perhaps reinforcement of our problematic American self-reliance. The postmodern movement has attacked the very idea of absolute truth, and along with it, absolute morality. We’re taught through television and movies, even in our literature classes, that truth is relative to the observer, and this attitude has in a great many circles translated into moral relativism.

Looking at the varied forms of depravity of people groups and individuals worldwide, the postmodern thinker says, “these people obviously do not hold to the same moral code, else their society would have stamped out their behavior as undesirable. That their moral code is different does not mean it is wrong, just that it is not ours.” Curious, as Genesis 6:6 says that, “every intention of the thoughts of [mankind's] heart was only evil continually,”[23] and Paul says in Romans 3, quoting various psalms,

“None is righteous, no, not one;

no one understands;

no one seeks for God.

All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;

no one does good,

not even one.”

“Their throat is an open grave;

they use their tongues to deceive.”

“The venom of asps is under their lips.”

“Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.”

“Their feet are swift to shed blood;

in their paths are ruin and misery,

and the way of peace they have not known.”

“There is no fear of God before their eyes.”

(Romans 3:10-18 ESV)[24]

The depravity of man is unambiguous in scripture. All have sinned, as Paul says, and fallen short.[25] Furthermore, scripture seems to indicate, and I believe truthfully, that we are not only incapable of doing objective good, but of judging objective good from evil reliably. Corrupted as we are by sin, our moral compass is compromised by our idolatry, by the animal appetites such as greed and lust that infest our subconscious. Again, referring to the voice of Christ to the Gentiles, the apostle Paul, “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.” (Romans 7:18)[26] Paul is clear that while he knows the moral law laid down by scripture, his internal moral compass, his “flesh,” doesn’t point that way. It seems clear to me, then, that we as human beings are untrustworthy judges of right from wrong outside the guidance of scripture and the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Could this corruption by sin be the cause of the variance in moral codes from culture to culture across the globe? Absolutely. In Paul’s day he dealt with churches across the northeastern Mediterranean coast whose cultural variance in morals were a constant source of contention. His letters to the churches at Thessalonica and Galatia are of particular note, as these deal with these issues of cultural mores. In these letters, Paul does not understandingly acknowledge the cultural differences and afford them a voice on equal ground as a postmodern missionary might. No, Paul asserts the truth of scripture and of Christ with zero apologies. Were there any truth to the idea of moral relativism, Paul would not have bashed aside the cultural mores of these Grecian churches with such forceful language, I should think.

But regardless of the truth of the idea, moral relativism encourages people in our culture to value no opinion higher than their own, and leads in its own way to a strengthening of that American self-reliant spirit all on its own. After all, if your opinion on morality is as valid as anyone else’s, why should you submit to another’s? For that matter, why would you submit to the authority of an objective morality in God? Like the lack of knowledge or understanding of God’s sovereignty, the self-centered idea of moral relativism leads people to the place where they can believe themselves qualified and free to question and judge the decisions of God, based on their own internal read of what is right and wrong. It’s hard to conceive of something more absurd.

The twin truths of the total depravity of man and the sovereignty of God, then, contradict the very premises of our objections even from a humanist point of view. Sin and its effects are ours to own, and not his. In his wisdom, however, he has allowed us to fail so that he might show mercy on some and exercise justice on others as an expression of his glory. There is nothing immoral about God’s choice to do so, as the purpose of creation, his creation, is to display and share his glory. Explaining these truths to the seeker or Christian struggling with the idea of the problem of evil will be a delicate affair, but in the end the truth is the only answer that will suffice. Simply, the problem of evil is a failure of humanity to grasp the mind of God. In some ways this lapse can be forgiven, as the mind of God is unknowable in its entirety. Isaiah 40:13 is quite clear on this, “Who has measured the Spirit of the LORD, or what man shows him his counsel?”[27] But, there are many things God revealed specifically for us to know of him through scripture. This, I think, is one of those things.

[1] Heinlein, Robert A. The Moon is a Harsh Mistress. New York: Galaxy Publishing Corp., 1966., 354

[2] Crossway. Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001, Genesis 6:5-8

[3] Crossway. Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001, Ephesians 1:3-14

[4] Calvin, John. Institutes of the Christian Religion. Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1845. 2.2.7 (Book.Chapter.Section)

[5] Crossway. Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001, Mark 10:18

[6] Piper, John. Total Depravity by John Piper. 1998. http://www.monergism.com/thethreshold/articles/piper/depravity.html (accessed 04 2011). Section 2, 1^st 3 paragraphs.

[7] Crossway. Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001, Job 38:1-11

[8] Crossway. Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001, Job 39:1-4

[9] Spurgeon, Charles H. “Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit.” God’s Glory and His Goodness. March 4, 1915. http://www.spurgeongems.org/vols61-63/chs3448.pdf (accessed April 2011). (1st page, 3rd paragraph)

[10] Crossway. Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001, Exodus 33:19

[11] Spurgeon, Charles H. “Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit.” God’s Glory and His Goodness. March 4, 1915. http://www.spurgeongems.org/vols61-63/chs3448.pdf (accessed April 2011). (2nd page, 2nd paragraph)

[12] Spurgeon, Charles H. “Metropolitan Tabernacle Pulpit.” God’s Glory and His Goodness. March 4, 1915. http://www.spurgeongems.org/vols61-63/chs3448.pdf (accessed April 2011). (2nd page, 3rd paragraph)

[13] Crossway. Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001, Romans 9:14-18

[14] Carson, D.A. The God Who Is There. Baker Books, 2010.

[15] Grudem, Wayne. Systematic Theology. Zondervan, 1994.

[16] Crossway. Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001, Genesis 1:4,10,12,18,21,25

[17] Crossway. Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001, Genesis 1:31

[18] Crossway. Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001, Mark 10:18

[19] Henley, William Ernest. Poem Hunter. 1875. http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/invictus/ (accessed April 2011).

[20] Calvin, John. Institutes of the Christian Religion. Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 1845. 2.2.7 (Book.Chapter.Section)

[21] Crossway. Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001, Genesis Ephesians 2:10

[22] Pink, Arthur Walkington. The Sovereignty of God. Baker Books, 1984. Introduction

[23] Crossway. Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001, Genesis 6:6

[24] Crossway. Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001, Romans 3:10-18

[25] Crossway. Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001, Romans 3:23

[26] Crossway. Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001, Romans 7:18

[27] Crossway. Holy Bible: English Standard Version. Wheaton, IL: Crossway Bibles, 2001, Isaiah 40:13

To understand how excruciating this was for me, let me do some explaining. I was raised to believe that the Father and Husband is to provide for his family. The only guys who didn’t were deadbeats and junkies who were also likely to be addicted to drugs or alcohol and incapable of a lot of other things in life besides holding down a job. I wasn’t just depressed, here, I hated myself. I looked in the mirror and saw (still do to some extent) a weak, worthless drag on the lives of my family, and even at more than one point courted the idea of suicide.

Finally God granted us an opportunity here in Hattiesburg (I was certainly in no condition to give a great interview on my own), and I was able to accept. This position has provided me with the ability to allow Karri to stay at home and care for our children in comfort. My life turned around, and I was validated again. My ego soared and I excelled at my job…

…for a while.

Sometime in the middle of 2008, after moving to Hattiesburg and getting settled in with the new job, my marriage to Karri faced probably the single biggest crisis we’ve yet seen, and that’s saying something considering the things we’ve been through together. At that time, despite professing faith in Jesus, I was continuing in habitual sin, suffering from an addiction to pornography. After fighting over it numerous times, Karri made it clear to me that I could choose either my addiction or my family, but one would be leaving my life, and soon.

I prayed. Hard. I found myself, despite my success in my career, at the same place I’d been before, standing at the edge of a chasm, being crushed under the weight of self-hatred. Finally, and I don’t know what prompted this epiphany so don’t ask, I came to the conclusion that I was incapable of extricating myself from this situation without Jesus. I’m not exaggerating when I say I didn’t sleep for at least three days as I prayed and read an old bible I had lying around. Jesus showed me the pain I was causing my wife, showed me how unfulfilling my sin really was and led me to the place where I rejected the sin outright. Again, no exaggeration, with Jesus’ help I went cold turkey in a week on that particular grievous sin. It’s not the subject of this blog post, but I can’t help but gush… I may have begged Jesus to save me from myself years prior to this event, but it was here that I truly began to believe. This was my road to Damascus. Jesus healed me, a wretched sinner and leper.

Our marriage took some time to recover, and in the meantime, we decided to start attending church. As we searched for a Church, I talked more and more with my Dad, who is quite simply one of the most Godly men I know, and as we talked, I grew more convicted that I should be studying the Bible seriously. So, I began reading at Matthew and shortly afterwards, felt compelled to write about the conclusions and convictions that resulted from my reading. Over the course of the winter and spring months of 2009, God used that tug in my heart along with the observations of my then-pastor, friends and family to lead me to the place where he could make clear a calling to full-time ministry.

Now, I don’t know about any other pastor out there, I don’t know about anyone else called to ministry, but when that call was clear, there was no question of obedience. As good as I am at writing software, it is about as fulfilling as watching grass grow, and less exciting. I have NEVER been happy doing this, even when I was using it to fill a need better filled with Christ, namely my egotistical need for praise. So, I signed up for a trimester of classes at William Carey University with the stated purpose of completing my degree and moving on to Seminary (which one I have no idea).

Now all of this has been leading up to where we are today. I’m classed as a Junior at WCU, able to graduate next year if I apply myself. Last night Karri and I discussed the situation and agreed that it terrifies us both half to death. Before she’s able to get done with her schooling and get a job, I’m going to be ready to transition to a position in full time ministry. Our income will probably drop by half if we’re lucky, and we’re already not exactly the most fiscally responsible people in the world. One of the things I told Karri last night really floored me (does this happen to anyone else? Sometimes things escape my lips and not only have they not passed through any sort of filter, they aren’t my bloody thoughts at ALL.), “You remember a few years ago, when I was suicidally depressed over being unable to provide for us as a family? Now I’m staring at the same abyss, and I have to trust that Jesus will provide when I can’t.” Had a similar thought occurred to me four years ago, I’d have dismissed it outright and thought myself going more than slightly insane. Now? It seems perfectly natural. I cannot believe that Jesus would call me (and thus my family) to a life of servitude in His name and not provide for our needs. What really remains is to turn our desires to Him.

We have three computers when one or perhaps two would suffice. I have five guitars, three amps, and some very expensive software for writing music that I’ve rarely used. Eating at restaurants, even take-out, is a luxury. I have an addiction issue with video games that I need to work on. The kids are attracted to TV in an unhealthy way, such that they throw fits when we turn it off. We idolize good food such that we can’t make do with basics and leftovers when we need to.

All idols, all created things and incapable of granting us happiness. I have to trust that God will provide us with our needs, but I also have to believe that my desires will be better met in Him than in these things I’ve spent so much time and money on accumulating. So, this is the prayer I have been praying for the last few weeks, and will continue to pray:

King Jesus, thank you. Your will is better than any plan I could come up with, and more fulfilling than any diversion I can devise. Please, I beg that You would meet the needs of my family for sustenance, both physical and spiritual, and turn our hearts’ desires towards You. For, if we desire You and come to You, we cannot help but be satisfied. Guide our steps that we would walk in ways that please You, and give us Your wisdom to learn from the obstacles of the day. I pray that we will reflect Your glory and not add to your suffering on the cross, and beg the embrace of your forgiveness for our sins when we fail. May the knowledge of Your grace increase where we walk, as it is Your will. In Your gracious, strong name these things I do pray, and believe.

Amen.

-Evan

The Calling of Matthew

9 As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth. “Follow me,” he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.

10 While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and “sinners” came and ate with him and his disciples. 11 When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?”

12 On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13 But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Matt 9:9-13 (NIV)

Someone in my Sunday school class said a few weeks ago, as we were discussing the persistence of sin in the believer’s life after Justification (Romans 7), “but what happens when you try to witness to someone and they just throw back in your face, ‘you’re a sinner too, and you’re trying to tell me this?’” My response during the class was less tactful than I tend to try to be, but in my defense, I was a bit excited. See last post. I am a Bible geek and Jesus freak.

“But that’s the point, that’s the whole thrust of the Good News itself! We’re broken, each and every one of us, and in desperate need of a Savior who can set us free from slavery to the desires of the flesh, which never satisfy, they only make us desire them more!”

Our brokenness doesn’t disqualify us from presenting the Gospel to others. In fact, it can be a very effective tool in the hands of the Holy Spirit in getting across the deadly seriousness of our condition when we live without the Gospel. See, some people seem to think that their sin is a black mark on their walk with God, that He (and by extension, the Church) will somehow love them less because of their sin, and that their sin will diminish their social standing in the Church and with non-Christians.

(The latter of these may even be true in some so-called Christian churches, but I would be hard-pressed to admit the membership of any such congregation in the Body of Christ. A word to any suffering in such a situation: get out and seek a congregation where the love of God is displayed in His people. No vine that is connected to Him can fail to be overcome with love for sinners, that they might come to know Him as well and join in the great celebration of His love.)

In fact, if you read the scripture above, it isn’t the sin in the lives of these men that disqualifies them from participating in the healing mission of Jesus Christ, is it? Jesus didn’t shrug off the mantle of divinity and descend to be born a human being, live and love His Earthly family for a while before leaving home to teach and be rejected, ultimately to die in our place as sacrifice for our sin… for people who are perfect. On the contrary, He did all those things (and more) for the broken, the poor in spirit, the destitute and depressed. He came to remove the condemnation of the Law of God, that “sting” of death that sends the unrepentant to eternal separation from Him in hell. And there’s the key: repentance.

Should we be proud of our sin? No. Sin is always a cause for mourning, as it cannot fail to separate us from God, and anyone else against whom we’ve sinned. Our hope, our only hope, lies in the fact that Jesus bridged that gap by providing us with His perfect sacrifice. He meets us where we are, asks us to repent and confess our sins to Him so that he can cancel out their condemnation. By doing so, Jesus has made us righteous before God and thus capable of standing in His presence. But the first step is always the admission of and repentance for sin. Confess it and repent, then accept His forgiveness.

Jesus is pretty clear that the self-righteous (those who admit no faults) are not on his to-do list for salvation. Don’t be so preoccupied with hiding your sin, from your fellow Christians, from the lost or from yourself, that you lose sight of the simple fact that it is your brokenness that makes His Grace so amazing. If you sweep your sin under the rug for too long, you will lose the inevitable sense of wonder at that Grace, and then you really will be incapable of sharing it with others effectively.

-Evan

No, I haven’t heard people refer to the Church as the mediator of Grace. It’s not that wacky yet, so things aren’t dire, to be sure. But I keep hearing an overwhelming emphasis on mission in the community by inviting people to “come and see,” and virtually none on the preparation of disciples and raising of leadership to go out into the community and preach the gospel. It’s as though there’s an assumption that the Holy Spirit will only move people to repentance within the church community, or that the goal of the church is to expand itself, not to live for Christ and reflect God’s glory so that others may believe.

Jeff was talking about a book that I want to pick up last night, called the Principle of the Path, by Andy Stanley. Well, this attitude marks a path that leads to the prideful declaration that the visible church is the same as the invisible, and that somehow our way of doing things as a church is the anointed Way that Jesus had in mind when he talked about His Church, to the exclusion of all others. I don’t feel I need to explain the grave error of this sort of thing. As Dad said last night on the phone, “denominations are God’s way of compensating for our sinful inability to grasp the real Truth,” and provide us sinners the ability to have fellowship with people of like mind and experiences in our faith. No one church (or denomination), I don’t care how pious they are, has a monopoly on the true objective Truth. As Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13, now we see through a mirror dimly. The full extent of the Truth that is God will be revealed only when we stand in His presence in the hereafter. If this is the path of the church as a whole, I hope we can swing things back to a focus on the Gospel humbly but fiercely and fearlessly preached, taught and lived. That is, I am convinced, the only Biblically correct definition of the mission of the global Church.

That said, I don’t think this is a systemic problem in First Hattiesburg, at least not yet. I don’t have a feel for the pulse of the place (there’s a LOT of people!), and I’d be very out of place bringing something like this up publicly I think. I might mention it in passing to Jeff, but other than that, I hope this is just me misreading something in the comments I’ve heard.

The kids are doing great. Lily bursts out with, “Jesus loves me!” at the dinner table after reminding me that we need to pray. Laurel will chant the prayer over and over as she eats (or refuses to, either way). I’ve started praying with Lily at night much more seriously, after we pray her singsong-y children’s prayer. I want her to hear me pray deeply and spirit-led, because I don’t want her to have the impression that such things are always superficial. Even if she doesn’t understand now, someday she may look back and hear those words and understand them.

As for myself… I think I may have reached a depth that I will have to stay at for a while as I acclimate and wrap my mind and heart around some things. I joke about rivets popping and joints spraying steam in the submarine that is my faith, but a few of the more recent revelations have been like depth charges in truth. Frankly, I’m struggling with how to apply these truths to my life without going batty and discarding the last bits of who I am, or was, and becoming some sort of hyper-spiritual Christian with no friends. How DO you give up everything without losing you? I’ve laughed and caroled my way to the edge of this precipice, talking up a great game about what I’d do, or mistakenly thinking I’d already done it, but now that I’m looking over the edge it’s very difficult to actually take the final leap and toss away the last bit (or what seems like the last bit) of the sinful me.

I’m talking here about giving up my idols. The things I cling to that tell me who I am. I spend loads of money every month on video games. I spend a lot of time on them as well. Guess what? The things we spend our money and time on are the things we worship. It’s an idol. We’ve also canceled DirectTV. Too often we can get pulled into the boob tube on some mindless escapist entertainment that is all too often just a provider of more ways the Enemy’s servants can sink hooks into us. So, when I’m home we hook my laptop up, watch the shows we really loved on iTunes or Hulu (Top Chef, Top Gear, etc) or sermons by John Piper, Driscoll, Pete Wilson, etc. We’ve recently listened our way through Focus on the Family’s radio dramatization of C.S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters as well. I feel like, to use a characterization stolen from Mark Driscoll, we’re charging the gates of Hell with waterguns.

Here’s one of my snags: if I were to excise from my life everything that is a stumbling block to giving glory to God, I might as well stop breathing right now. (No, I’m not suicidal. Far from it.) Really, though, the very fact of life on earth is a stumbling block to being a perfect reflector of God’s glory. There is no possible way to exist in the world we live in and not be affected by the rampant, gleeful sin that takes place around us. It’s infectious, virulent and almost always so small that by the time you’ve spotted it, you’re already guilty. I’m brought to a place where I ask the famous question, “How Should We Then Live?”

Thankfully, Francis Schaffer’s book by the same name is next in line on my stack. I’m also eyeing Desiring God by John Piper. I’ve yet to finish it and I think it’s time I really made my way through it seriously. There are two things lacking in the way I’m approaching my faith right now, so far as I can see it. First, I’m neglecting the Joy of God in His created things. I need to relax and see the world as God sees it, with unlimited love. Secondly, I have issues connecting deeper theological issues with people whose submarines(their faith) aren’t remotely ready to dive deep. Part of this may be my inability to see where they are in their faith and connect only appropriate truths for them, and part of it may be a sense of pride or arrogance on my part that wants to make some deep point and be praised for my depth of faith. Ugh. Makes my skin crawl when I catch myself doing stuff like that. I’m excited about my faith, yes. I’m an utter Jesus Freak and Bible geek, but when I start exhibiting it for the praise of man, I’ve completely gone off-track on a collision course with the Grace of God. I need to learn to help teach people at THEIR level, to put vast mysteries in little boxes they can open, digest and understand. Otherwise, how the hell am I going to reach a flock?

Oh, what truths have I been struggling with?

Every time God explains what He’s about to do, you know the reason He gives for whatever it is He’s about to do? “I will gain glory.” “It’s for my glory.” “I will be glorified.” Don’t take my word for it, go look. My favorites are Exodus 14, Isaiah 43:7, Daniel 9:17-19 (Daniel prays for Jerusalem’s salvation because it bears God’s name!), John 11 and John 13.

We exist, we scurry around this watery planet and draw breath after providential, miraculous breath for a single reason: to reflect God’s glory back to Him. The more we DO these things we were made to DO, the more content we become. When Paul talks about having found the secret to contentment in all things (Philippians 4:10-13), I think this is what he found. And you know the crazy thing? Having found it, I’m no closer to understanding or implementing it in my life. It’s the meaning of life, it’s the lasting, permanent, rock-solid filler for the hole in our lives, and it’s almost beyond our natures to actually DO it.

Had someone explained this to me just two or three years ago, I’d have rejected it outright. I’d have said, “no way can I follow a God whose only reason for creating and then allowing sin to corrupt, destroy and cause terror and pain is for His glory. That’s tragic, not triumphant. It’s an utter tragedy, and kills any hope of faith in my life.”

Now I’m where I am. I am saved by the unmerited Grace of my creator, and allowed, given the strength should I accept it, to walk the path Jesus showed us how to walk when He lived. God’s total self-concern isn’t tragic to me now, it’s hope. It’s a recognition that He is in fact God and I am not, and that this fact alone, long before His Grace saved me, obligates me to worship at His feet and reflect His glory as I am enabled by the Holy Spirit.

I give up my aspirations, my ambition for myself, my hopes and dreams of comfortable retirement in or around the caribbean, my desires to see my wife adorned in the best the world can offer in fashion and jewelry and for my children to want for utterly nothing. I give up my pain, my history of stupid mistakes and loud support for moral wrong. I give up my love of video games, motorcycles and comfort food. I give up my infatuation with the sound of my own voice and my own ideas, my pride in the intelligence and wisdom God gave me. I give up my self.

Substitute yourself for me, Lord. Take it all. Take everything. Take from me until there is nothing left of me, and then bring me alive in You. Give me Your fiery purpose, Your gentle touch, Your submission to the will of the Father, Your wisdom, Your love. Indwell me and let the fire of Your glory sear the wounds in my soul shut. Fill the emptiness with Your presence. Teach me to love my family, my church and my fellow man with the same reckless abandon with which You went to the cross. Open my eyes to my faults and show me how to correct them. Lead me, repeatedly, through the valley of the shadow of death, if by doing so I can gain You glory. Let every moment of pain I suffer as well as every pleasure and comfort give You glory and praise.

Show me what You showed Paul. Do in my life what I am incapable of doing myself. The changes I’ve made so far are the tip of the iceberg and are paltry compared to the glory that is You. Make my life a beacon of Your glory in the midst of a dark and sinful world that you might, through me, draw more to the wellspring of living water that is Your Son, Jesus. May the light You shine through me light the paths of those around me, whether they be few or many.

This prayer I pray this day and every moment of my waking life, in the strong and holy name of Jesus Christ, my risen and exalted savior. Amen.

PS: That prayer was… unexpected. I didn’t exactly sit down to write that… but rereading it, I really do mean it. I think this is what it means to really have a relationship with my creator. Oh man, was that a seal giving way in the corridor? *picks up 1MC* Damage control team to the bridge corridor *clicks off the mic* watch officer, what’s your depth?

“I figured we’d all go. I wanna try it out!”

“Cool, well, lets get everyone fed and ready before we go.”

After a dinner of Spanish Rice (that one was free, Rice-A-Roni), we packed up in the car, dealt with a crisis of can’t-take-my-toys-to-church with Lily, and were on our way. I popped Casting Crowns into the CD player and we talked about our hopes for the church. Karri wasn’t feeling too good, and we live right around the corner from the church, off 40th Ave, so conversation was short and we spent a lot of it listening to Casting Crowns sing, “Lifesong.”

When we arrived, as we were getting the kids out of the car, across the lane in the parking lot a young mom was getting her little boy out of the car. As we walked towards the church, I mentioned that we didn’t know where to go.

“Oh! Well, you guys can just follow me! How old are they?” she asked, referring to Lily and Laurel. I heard Karri answer, but had already retreated inside myself and was rejoicing that Karri had already found a buddy. She needs friends our age or close to it, so badly.

We walked to the door, and found not one or two but an entire hallway full of young families, kids and their parents, who all wanted to know who we were and how they could help us find our places of worship and study.

I was floored. I think I was struck dumb for probably 5-10 minutes as I watched the overwhelming sense of Godly love impact Karri and watched her open up like a flower in its time. We signed the kids in and got them to their rooms with the help of a wonderful little elderly lady who took over even introducing the girls to their classes.

So, then it was time to find our classes, for which we were late at this point. Karri found her class without much problem since the lady that we’d met in the parking lot had given her fairly good directions. After some poking around, I found Pastor Jeff’s men’s class and crept in the back door. I pulled up a chair and as I did so, the men in the back of the room made a place for me.

Let me back up a little bit. I need to confess something. Having spoken to Pastor Jay earlier that day and talked about the church’s missional attitude and specific targetting of the lost (not just unchurched) in the community, I did not expect much depth from a bible study in the church, especially one called, “Men’s Fraternity.” Somehow that latter word calls up images of a pastor in a toga hoisting a beer, and while I didn’t exactly expect that when I walked in, I certainly didn’t expect any real depth in teaching.

So imagine my surprise as I walked in and sat down and heard Pastor Jeff say, “So why, then, does God let bad things happen?”

Whoa.

I imagine my head jerked up in surprise as I sat down and heard those words. Was he really going to go here? This is heavy stuff, these are the sorts of questions I used to ask when I wanted to frustrate the crap out of my church leadership as a rebellious kid. I’ve since learned a little bit, but that’s still one of those questions that can rock a young Christian’s world. So I listened.

Several points were made, that God sometimes places us in situations so that we can grow in our discipleship, that God permissively allows negative things to occur in His creation, and the guy next to me (I think his name was Scott or Spike or something else really freaking cool) spoke up and quoted C.S. Lewis.

(Keanau Reeves) Whoa.

I was so impressed that I spoke up immediately after and mentioned that the best example of God allowing evil for the greater good He can accomplish through it exists in Job. The pastor asked me, in what I took to be not a challenge but perhaps a sensor question to see what I knew, to summarize Job and what I meant by that statement.

So I did.

I’m not sure he was expecting the summary I was able to give. He did seem to do a bit of a double-take. He corrected the initial part of my summary, in that it was God who did the pointing out of His most beloved servant, not Satan.

Pastor Jeff went on to talk about the fact that a life of discipleship does not bring earthly pleasure nor is it easy. (Haven’t I made the same points here on this blog recently?) Again, I was so startled to see these points being made that I spoke up, my filter seems to be disabled by surprise, and asked him to make sure to separate the concepts of earthly pleasure and God-given joy. Joy is the result of sanctification, the constant cycle of unfortunate sin, repentance, confession, and the acceptance of forgiveness. Joy comes from Grace.

It was at this point that Pastor Jeff turned around (after noting these concepts on the board) and asked me, “are you a seminary student?” I laughed and said no, I’m not. I pointed at my hat and said I’m attending William Carey in preparation for Seminary. “Well you do seem to know all the terminology!” he exclaimed.

The other guys were looking at me a little funny at this point, so I took a moment to pray and ask God for forgiveness for the pride that was growing at the praise I was receiving for the gifts He gave me. I gave him the praise I’d received and then returned my attention to the lesson, just in time to hear Pastor Jeff say, “And so, God works in our lives for our pleasure.”

I couldn’t help it. My internal filter must have been broken that night. I blurted out, “don’t you mean HIS pleasure? Philippians 2:12, work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God that works in you to will and work for HIS good pleasure?”

By this time, the class was cracking up. I’m sure they were thinking, “who is this young nut, coming in here and correcting the pastor?” Pastor Jeff replied that he had studied that exact verse earlier this week and had come to a conclusion that it serves the end of our pleasure as well as God’s. I replied,

“Of course it does. If we will and work for God’s good pleasure, if we focus on earning His smile, His pleasure, all the works we do towards that end increase our own pleasure as well! It’s not that we can earn our way into His good graces, but that as believers we focus on those good works because we want to please our King.”

At this point I don’t know what the class was thinking. As I was talking, I noticed looks of both confusion and of comprehension and admiration from the other guys in the room, so I resolved to keep my mouth shut for the rest of the class. That turned out to be an impossibility moments later as we split up into small groups to go over the worksheet Pastor Jeff had handed out prior to my arrival. As we moved the chairs into small groups, Scott (or Spike, whichever), asked me if I’d lead the group.

The worksheet was on Matthew 6:25-34, where Jesus preaches in His sermon on the mount on worry. As we talked about the very personal questions in the worksheet, I learned that one of the guys is an invesment and finance counselor, that all of us have two kids, and that each of us had some worry that was distracting us from focusing our lives on God. I made some points about the fact that worry is an indicator that we are attempting to “steal” back ownership or control of the lives we’ve given to Christ; that we should of course plan, but to do as James 4:13-17 suggests and say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live, and do this or that.”

Afterwards, we made our to another room and watched a short Andy Stanley video on the sovereignty, sheer awesomeness and right of God to choose whomever He wants to be His. Andy Stanley’s best point, I thought, was made when he talked about God’s name, “I AM.” There are some very cool, very deep theological implications contained in that single statement.

All in all, we had a great time. Karri sat with women she could really connect with, who seemed to genuinely care about her, and cared about what she had to say. She is so excited she’s looking for weekday activities to participate in that will bring her and the kids into the church more often. For myself, I’m still reeling and rejoicing from what was an utterly unexpected and completely awesome discipleship session, and I’m looking forward to more.

So far, so good. The first impression at First Hattiesburg has been among the most positive experiences we’ve had since we moved here over a year and a half ago. We’re going to continue to attend and will very likely join the church publicly at some point in the near future as we get to know the people and the mission and vision of the church.

Pastor Jay emerged from the office and we sat at one of the small cafe tables. I didn’t want to waste the man’s time, so I had some specific questions to ask, and a phrase or two I wanted to work in to get a reaction (people’s reactions are often the best indicator of their real beliefs). Please note that his responses here are my paraphrase, what I gleaned from the conversation and not direct quotes. If anything they are a faithful rendering of my impression of the man.

“So what can I do for you today, I’m sorry I don’t have much time, I’m afraid you caught us on a busy day,” he apologised.

“Definitely not a problem, man, I understand how busy planting a church can be, especially in the early stages. My wife and I are looking for a new church home.” I briefly explained the situation at Mainstreet and its affect on us, which answers the question WHY we’re looking. “What can you tell me about the Genesis of this place, is it a brand new church PLANT by First Baptist Hattiesburg, or a move?”

“It’s a move. Pastor Jeff felt a calling over the last two years to build or plant a church here in Hattiesburg that reaches out to the truly lost, those who have never been interested in church or Jesus. We were dying, had a primarily elderly congregation at the old location and were unable to grow in the ways we needed to in order to survive. Pastor Jeff’s vision combined with the opportunity to come out here resulted in us basically planting a brand new church here, with a starting congregation of about 1000,” he explained.

“So…” I responded, “would you consider First Hattiesburg a ‘seeker church’?”

Pastor Jay visibly recoiled at the question, “No, and I gotta tell you, I really dislike that phrase. We’re not the type of church whose mission is to simply attract as large a crowd as possible, and if they get a little of Jesus thrown in, so much the better. That’s not who we are. The vision here is to preach Jesus with no reservations and let the attractive power of the Gospel build the church. We’re using contemporary music and worship, but otherwise our theology is very conservative. Even the music itself is theologically centered, always with a message in mind.”

I grinned at his reaction (I hope he didn’t think I was laughing at him!), “Pastor Jay, I gotta tell you, I used that phrase specifically to see your reaction to it. It’s good to hear that you’re staying centered on Jesus and preaching him unashamedly. About the theology, though, how deep are you really able to get here? Is there something for those of us who have already sunk the well of discipleship fairly deeply to engage and encourage us here? My wife will be able to find kindred spirits without ANY trouble, I’m sure.”

Jay sat back, “Well, because of the people we are focused on bringing into the church, the lost who have never really been inside a church before, we have to limit the depth of our worship services and a lot of the small group studies we do, by necessity. I mean, you don’t present a deep expository 12-week study of Romans to a crowd full of new believers and seekers. It would blow them away, and you’d lose a lot of them to frustration.”

“Right, you’re not going to use C.S. Lewis or John Calvin in a sermon here, because that stuff is pretty dense in terms of the depth of material presented, and requires a lot of critical thinking skills,” I agreed.

“Exactly. However, I think you’ll be able to find something for you here. Pastor Jeff is teaching a class tonight (Wednesdays) and I’m doing a class on Ecclesiastes as well. Sundays you’re just going to have to look around and see what fits you and your wife. We have a lot of small group bible studies going on, and we should be starting a ‘preparing to reach out’ series of three-on-one or four-on-one groups at some point where we will be able to dive much deeper.” Jay said, leaning forward.

“Sounds great! Well, I have one or two last questions, mostly about doctrine. First, and this is a little blunt, but where do you guys stand on te atonement? Are you more Calvinist or lean towards the usual Southern Baptist stronghold of Free Will?”

Pastor Jay paused, “…I think you’ll find that most of the staff here lean towards the reformed side of things. I mean, Total Depravity is definitely there, Unconditional Election, Perseverence of the Saints, both here, but some of us are a little unsure about Irresistible Grace and most of us do not hold to Limited Atonement. You’re definitely not going to hear Free Will preached here, but you’re not going to hear its opposite extreme either. Pastor Jeff, I don’t know, I don’t think you’re going to hear him spouting off about any of it in a service. Same problem as above.”

I nodded, “Right, but it’s something important to me, to know where you all stand on these issues, because they will necessarily color your ministry. Look, I think I’ve taken up enough of your time today, I think for the rest of my questions I’ll need to actually come in and experience it and get to know you and your congregation.”

Jay smiled and stood, “Sounds good, we’ll see you tonight or sunday then?”

“I will likely be here tonight, but I won’t make promises for my wife. We’ll see,” I replied as we walked to the door.

“Okay, well, sorry I didn’t have the time to really sit down and dig into these things with you today. Wednesdays are really nuts, yanno.”

“Not a problem, man, I’ll see you tonight.”

“Alright, later!”

I mean, sure, I read the Bible and prayed like a maniac, and I even started researching what sort of niches I could find in the established denominations. But one of the things I’ve learned over the years is that you cannot truly know yourself outside of feedback from others. You will NEVER see yourself clearly if it’s just you looking. So as I prayed about it and attended church and talked to people, I kept hearing this phrase: “You’re really knowledgable and wise, you should be a teacher.”

I never really did settle on a definite, “Yes, this is precisely what I am called to do.” I have my own ideas, of course. I’d like to be a lay pastor in a church and teach at a seminary or bible college (based on what people were telling me). But since I’ve given my life to Christ for HIS glory not mine, I thought I should really let MY aspirations take a backseat to His will for me. I’ve been getting deeper and deeper into the word, sinking the well of discipleship as deep as I can get it into my life, and the deeper I go, the more my perceptions change.

Suddenly, within the last week, I’ve started hearing another phrase, even from my pastor. “You know, with your talents, gifts and your strong beliefs on the New Testament church, you would probably be frustrated with no end and likely waste your gifts on staff at a traditional, atrophied church. Have you given any thought to planting a church?”

Yeah, the thought’s occurred to me. It’s also occurred to me that I’m nowhere near ready for that. I’ve got a lot of school to get through before I can even consider it. My wife wants to get started with her career as well, so we’re not completely destitute if that’s where we’re really being led. Also, on a more personal level, I have vices I MUST put to death before I attempt a church plant. I will not, cannot subject my family to that kind of pressure and hardship without being fully armed to deal with it.

On the flip side of that coin… when Isaiah said, “here am I, Lord, send me,” and had his lips cleansed, the actual mission God had in mind was probably not something Isaiah had considered in his wildest fever-induced nightmares… and the timing wasn’t “yes, Lord, when I’m ready.” It was NOW. Similarly, when Jesus called His disciples they were mostly at work, going about their days peacefully, never even considering that their religion was empty. His call came, and it wasn’t, “yes, Lord, when I’m ready.” It was NOW.

I need kneepads for the kind of praying this deserves and requires. I also need courage, steadfastness, and all the help Jesus can give me, even if it’s in the form of family and friends supporting me.

Had this album for a while, never sat and listened to this song. It describes a lot of my history with the church.

When Jesus walked the earth, he was surrounded by the earliest model of the church. His first acts were to call, teach and train His disciples the truth of who He was and what His mission was here on earth. He grounded them in doctrine and gave them conviction. As he preached, around him gathered a motley group of seekers, some of whom would eventually believe, some of whom would not. All gathered around the wellspring of life that is Jesus, the disciples in His inner circle, with seekers in an outer circle.

When Jesus had ascended, the very first churches were started in this model. Paul, Barnabus, Mark, Luke, Timothy and others all went out into the world, selected and trained elders, then turned outward to the seekers, preaching the word. The training of elders of course never stops. As each new believer grows with strength in the Holy Spirit, they are called on to exercise the gifts they’ve been given. The natural progression was from seeker to believer to disciple, and for those with gifts of leadership and spiritual discernment who meed the criteria, eldership.

Note that the step from belief to discipleship is separated. Baptism and profession of belief do not a disciple make. Discipleship is something learned over time and maturity in God’s word, and is highly costly both in those terms and in terms of the oh-so-human preconceived notions (such as self-worth, relativity of sin, and the nature of humanity, to name a few) we have to redefine or leave behind outright in the process. True, honest discipleship in Jesus Christ will challenge the very foundations of your world. Profession of belief and baptism into a church community is only the first step.

And it’s that journey for which elders are partially responsible. Those of us who have traveled along that road further than others have a biblical duty to guide those less mature, to correct them where necessary and encourage them when they fall. Too often in today’s evangelical church, we engage in “dunk ‘em and drop ‘em” conversions, which, to make a tangential point, I call statistic-padding. We focus on the conversion and baptism so we can send good numbers to the convention at the end of the week or month and get that tithing member into the congregation and grow the revenue of money we get to manage. Depressingly, this is where it ends for the growth of many Christians. Oh, certainly they are lit afire for some time, and study the word with a voracious appetite… at least for a while.

But without the encouragement, guidance and edification provided by a loving elder disciple their feet will falter on the path. It is inevitable, and our Enemy loves to target new Christians for exactly this reason. Their atheist friends will plant doubts that will need to be explained. They will stumble across a superficial contradiction in the Bible or some other misunderstanding and without a satisfactory solution become disillusioned. Once that happens, they’re easy pickings for the whispers of the Evil One. Or, as is very common, they become cultural Christians, convinced, as their experiences lead them to believe, that their journey stopped when they were baptised. “After that,” they think, “I was justified and regenerated, so no need to bother with high theology or really reading deeply into the Bible. After all, if I can’t get the answers to my questions there, the answers likely just don’t exist.”

Who can blame them for thinking that way? When I was growing up in the church, the only way I managed to avoid becoming yet another lost Christian was the great fortune of having the parents I have who taught me and the strong mind God gave me to think critically. I also have been gifted with a mind that is like a sponge with information, and have always been naturally inquisitive. I despise not knowing how something works, especially when it breaks. But when I was a kid, I asked hard questions about the faith I’d grown up with. Why did God allow bad things to happen? Was evil within God’s will? Was it then NOT evil? You can imagine the canned, stale answers I got when I got answers at all. More often than not I was told I was much too young to be asking these questions and to run along and chase girls (I dutifully obeyed at least the last).

The bottom line is that the church isn’t structured or behaving as though it is attached to the vine that is Jesus. What fruit is produced when elders are spiritually atrophied husks, when their leadership capitulates to every loudly proclaimed desire of the congregation, whether that desire is biblical or not? I’ll tell you what: a golden calf. An idol. Like Moses coming down from the mountain, Jesus is going to come back (and soon, by my reckoning) and have some pretty harsh words for such leadership. How can you possibly intend to lead a congregation when your depth and commitment as a disciple ends anyplace it might cost you? How do you set an example and lead when your epistemology ends at the boundaries of tradition, with no further thought required or tolerated?

So how do we remedy this situation? I can’t accept the glib answer that some churches are simply beyond remedy, and to move on until I find a congregation and group of leaders who have the same ideas I do. You can’t possibly ask me to turn my back on the faithful disciples that exist within the church as it is, struggling to make their voices heard if they haven’t been completely downtrodden already. There are good people trapped in there! How do you take a church whose ecclesiology is completely twisted by the effects of years of sinful leadership and turn it around to center on Christ once again? Is it even my place to attempt it? I haven’t been appointed as an elder, I’m just a young guy with some very, very clear ideas of what I believe and a heart full of courage to match those convictions.

What can I do?