To understand how excruciating this was for me, let me do some explaining. I was raised to believe that the Father and Husband is to provide for his family. The only guys who didn’t were deadbeats and junkies who were also likely to be addicted to drugs or alcohol and incapable of a lot of other things in life besides holding down a job. I wasn’t just depressed, here, I hated myself. I looked in the mirror and saw (still do to some extent) a weak, worthless drag on the lives of my family, and even at more than one point courted the idea of suicide.

Finally God granted us an opportunity here in Hattiesburg (I was certainly in no condition to give a great interview on my own), and I was able to accept. This position has provided me with the ability to allow Karri to stay at home and care for our children in comfort. My life turned around, and I was validated again. My ego soared and I excelled at my job…

…for a while.

Sometime in the middle of 2008, after moving to Hattiesburg and getting settled in with the new job, my marriage to Karri faced probably the single biggest crisis we’ve yet seen, and that’s saying something considering the things we’ve been through together. At that time, despite professing faith in Jesus, I was continuing in habitual sin, suffering from an addiction to pornography. After fighting over it numerous times, Karri made it clear to me that I could choose either my addiction or my family, but one would be leaving my life, and soon.

I prayed. Hard. I found myself, despite my success in my career, at the same place I’d been before, standing at the edge of a chasm, being crushed under the weight of self-hatred. Finally, and I don’t know what prompted this epiphany so don’t ask, I came to the conclusion that I was incapable of extricating myself from this situation without Jesus. I’m not exaggerating when I say I didn’t sleep for at least three days as I prayed and read an old bible I had lying around. Jesus showed me the pain I was causing my wife, showed me how unfulfilling my sin really was and led me to the place where I rejected the sin outright. Again, no exaggeration, with Jesus’ help I went cold turkey in a week on that particular grievous sin. It’s not the subject of this blog post, but I can’t help but gush… I may have begged Jesus to save me from myself years prior to this event, but it was here that I truly began to believe. This was my road to Damascus. Jesus healed me, a wretched sinner and leper.

Our marriage took some time to recover, and in the meantime, we decided to start attending church. As we searched for a Church, I talked more and more with my Dad, who is quite simply one of the most Godly men I know, and as we talked, I grew more convicted that I should be studying the Bible seriously. So, I began reading at Matthew and shortly afterwards, felt compelled to write about the conclusions and convictions that resulted from my reading. Over the course of the winter and spring months of 2009, God used that tug in my heart along with the observations of my then-pastor, friends and family to lead me to the place where he could make clear a calling to full-time ministry.

Now, I don’t know about any other pastor out there, I don’t know about anyone else called to ministry, but when that call was clear, there was no question of obedience. As good as I am at writing software, it is about as fulfilling as watching grass grow, and less exciting. I have NEVER been happy doing this, even when I was using it to fill a need better filled with Christ, namely my egotistical need for praise. So, I signed up for a trimester of classes at William Carey University with the stated purpose of completing my degree and moving on to Seminary (which one I have no idea).

Now all of this has been leading up to where we are today. I’m classed as a Junior at WCU, able to graduate next year if I apply myself. Last night Karri and I discussed the situation and agreed that it terrifies us both half to death. Before she’s able to get done with her schooling and get a job, I’m going to be ready to transition to a position in full time ministry. Our income will probably drop by half if we’re lucky, and we’re already not exactly the most fiscally responsible people in the world. One of the things I told Karri last night really floored me (does this happen to anyone else? Sometimes things escape my lips and not only have they not passed through any sort of filter, they aren’t my bloody thoughts at ALL.), “You remember a few years ago, when I was suicidally depressed over being unable to provide for us as a family? Now I’m staring at the same abyss, and I have to trust that Jesus will provide when I can’t.” Had a similar thought occurred to me four years ago, I’d have dismissed it outright and thought myself going more than slightly insane. Now? It seems perfectly natural. I cannot believe that Jesus would call me (and thus my family) to a life of servitude in His name and not provide for our needs. What really remains is to turn our desires to Him.

We have three computers when one or perhaps two would suffice. I have five guitars, three amps, and some very expensive software for writing music that I’ve rarely used. Eating at restaurants, even take-out, is a luxury. I have an addiction issue with video games that I need to work on. The kids are attracted to TV in an unhealthy way, such that they throw fits when we turn it off. We idolize good food such that we can’t make do with basics and leftovers when we need to.

All idols, all created things and incapable of granting us happiness. I have to trust that God will provide us with our needs, but I also have to believe that my desires will be better met in Him than in these things I’ve spent so much time and money on accumulating. So, this is the prayer I have been praying for the last few weeks, and will continue to pray:

King Jesus, thank you. Your will is better than any plan I could come up with, and more fulfilling than any diversion I can devise. Please, I beg that You would meet the needs of my family for sustenance, both physical and spiritual, and turn our hearts’ desires towards You. For, if we desire You and come to You, we cannot help but be satisfied. Guide our steps that we would walk in ways that please You, and give us Your wisdom to learn from the obstacles of the day. I pray that we will reflect Your glory and not add to your suffering on the cross, and beg the embrace of your forgiveness for our sins when we fail. May the knowledge of Your grace increase where we walk, as it is Your will. In Your gracious, strong name these things I do pray, and believe.

Amen.

-Evan

The Calling of Matthew

9 As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth. “Follow me,” he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.

10 While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and “sinners” came and ate with him and his disciples. 11 When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?”

12 On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13 But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Matt 9:9-13 (NIV)

Someone in my Sunday school class said a few weeks ago, as we were discussing the persistence of sin in the believer’s life after Justification (Romans 7), “but what happens when you try to witness to someone and they just throw back in your face, ‘you’re a sinner too, and you’re trying to tell me this?’” My response during the class was less tactful than I tend to try to be, but in my defense, I was a bit excited. See last post. I am a Bible geek and Jesus freak.

“But that’s the point, that’s the whole thrust of the Good News itself! We’re broken, each and every one of us, and in desperate need of a Savior who can set us free from slavery to the desires of the flesh, which never satisfy, they only make us desire them more!”

Our brokenness doesn’t disqualify us from presenting the Gospel to others. In fact, it can be a very effective tool in the hands of the Holy Spirit in getting across the deadly seriousness of our condition when we live without the Gospel. See, some people seem to think that their sin is a black mark on their walk with God, that He (and by extension, the Church) will somehow love them less because of their sin, and that their sin will diminish their social standing in the Church and with non-Christians.

(The latter of these may even be true in some so-called Christian churches, but I would be hard-pressed to admit the membership of any such congregation in the Body of Christ. A word to any suffering in such a situation: get out and seek a congregation where the love of God is displayed in His people. No vine that is connected to Him can fail to be overcome with love for sinners, that they might come to know Him as well and join in the great celebration of His love.)

In fact, if you read the scripture above, it isn’t the sin in the lives of these men that disqualifies them from participating in the healing mission of Jesus Christ, is it? Jesus didn’t shrug off the mantle of divinity and descend to be born a human being, live and love His Earthly family for a while before leaving home to teach and be rejected, ultimately to die in our place as sacrifice for our sin… for people who are perfect. On the contrary, He did all those things (and more) for the broken, the poor in spirit, the destitute and depressed. He came to remove the condemnation of the Law of God, that “sting” of death that sends the unrepentant to eternal separation from Him in hell. And there’s the key: repentance.

Should we be proud of our sin? No. Sin is always a cause for mourning, as it cannot fail to separate us from God, and anyone else against whom we’ve sinned. Our hope, our only hope, lies in the fact that Jesus bridged that gap by providing us with His perfect sacrifice. He meets us where we are, asks us to repent and confess our sins to Him so that he can cancel out their condemnation. By doing so, Jesus has made us righteous before God and thus capable of standing in His presence. But the first step is always the admission of and repentance for sin. Confess it and repent, then accept His forgiveness.

Jesus is pretty clear that the self-righteous (those who admit no faults) are not on his to-do list for salvation. Don’t be so preoccupied with hiding your sin, from your fellow Christians, from the lost or from yourself, that you lose sight of the simple fact that it is your brokenness that makes His Grace so amazing. If you sweep your sin under the rug for too long, you will lose the inevitable sense of wonder at that Grace, and then you really will be incapable of sharing it with others effectively.

-Evan

No, I haven’t heard people refer to the Church as the mediator of Grace. It’s not that wacky yet, so things aren’t dire, to be sure. But I keep hearing an overwhelming emphasis on mission in the community by inviting people to “come and see,” and virtually none on the preparation of disciples and raising of leadership to go out into the community and preach the gospel. It’s as though there’s an assumption that the Holy Spirit will only move people to repentance within the church community, or that the goal of the church is to expand itself, not to live for Christ and reflect God’s glory so that others may believe.

Jeff was talking about a book that I want to pick up last night, called the Principle of the Path, by Andy Stanley. Well, this attitude marks a path that leads to the prideful declaration that the visible church is the same as the invisible, and that somehow our way of doing things as a church is the anointed Way that Jesus had in mind when he talked about His Church, to the exclusion of all others. I don’t feel I need to explain the grave error of this sort of thing. As Dad said last night on the phone, “denominations are God’s way of compensating for our sinful inability to grasp the real Truth,” and provide us sinners the ability to have fellowship with people of like mind and experiences in our faith. No one church (or denomination), I don’t care how pious they are, has a monopoly on the true objective Truth. As Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13, now we see through a mirror dimly. The full extent of the Truth that is God will be revealed only when we stand in His presence in the hereafter. If this is the path of the church as a whole, I hope we can swing things back to a focus on the Gospel humbly but fiercely and fearlessly preached, taught and lived. That is, I am convinced, the only Biblically correct definition of the mission of the global Church.

That said, I don’t think this is a systemic problem in First Hattiesburg, at least not yet. I don’t have a feel for the pulse of the place (there’s a LOT of people!), and I’d be very out of place bringing something like this up publicly I think. I might mention it in passing to Jeff, but other than that, I hope this is just me misreading something in the comments I’ve heard.

The kids are doing great. Lily bursts out with, “Jesus loves me!” at the dinner table after reminding me that we need to pray. Laurel will chant the prayer over and over as she eats (or refuses to, either way). I’ve started praying with Lily at night much more seriously, after we pray her singsong-y children’s prayer. I want her to hear me pray deeply and spirit-led, because I don’t want her to have the impression that such things are always superficial. Even if she doesn’t understand now, someday she may look back and hear those words and understand them.

As for myself… I think I may have reached a depth that I will have to stay at for a while as I acclimate and wrap my mind and heart around some things. I joke about rivets popping and joints spraying steam in the submarine that is my faith, but a few of the more recent revelations have been like depth charges in truth. Frankly, I’m struggling with how to apply these truths to my life without going batty and discarding the last bits of who I am, or was, and becoming some sort of hyper-spiritual Christian with no friends. How DO you give up everything without losing you? I’ve laughed and caroled my way to the edge of this precipice, talking up a great game about what I’d do, or mistakenly thinking I’d already done it, but now that I’m looking over the edge it’s very difficult to actually take the final leap and toss away the last bit (or what seems like the last bit) of the sinful me.

I’m talking here about giving up my idols. The things I cling to that tell me who I am. I spend loads of money every month on video games. I spend a lot of time on them as well. Guess what? The things we spend our money and time on are the things we worship. It’s an idol. We’ve also canceled DirectTV. Too often we can get pulled into the boob tube on some mindless escapist entertainment that is all too often just a provider of more ways the Enemy’s servants can sink hooks into us. So, when I’m home we hook my laptop up, watch the shows we really loved on iTunes or Hulu (Top Chef, Top Gear, etc) or sermons by John Piper, Driscoll, Pete Wilson, etc. We’ve recently listened our way through Focus on the Family’s radio dramatization of C.S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters as well. I feel like, to use a characterization stolen from Mark Driscoll, we’re charging the gates of Hell with waterguns.

Here’s one of my snags: if I were to excise from my life everything that is a stumbling block to giving glory to God, I might as well stop breathing right now. (No, I’m not suicidal. Far from it.) Really, though, the very fact of life on earth is a stumbling block to being a perfect reflector of God’s glory. There is no possible way to exist in the world we live in and not be affected by the rampant, gleeful sin that takes place around us. It’s infectious, virulent and almost always so small that by the time you’ve spotted it, you’re already guilty. I’m brought to a place where I ask the famous question, “How Should We Then Live?”

Thankfully, Francis Schaffer’s book by the same name is next in line on my stack. I’m also eyeing Desiring God by John Piper. I’ve yet to finish it and I think it’s time I really made my way through it seriously. There are two things lacking in the way I’m approaching my faith right now, so far as I can see it. First, I’m neglecting the Joy of God in His created things. I need to relax and see the world as God sees it, with unlimited love. Secondly, I have issues connecting deeper theological issues with people whose submarines(their faith) aren’t remotely ready to dive deep. Part of this may be my inability to see where they are in their faith and connect only appropriate truths for them, and part of it may be a sense of pride or arrogance on my part that wants to make some deep point and be praised for my depth of faith. Ugh. Makes my skin crawl when I catch myself doing stuff like that. I’m excited about my faith, yes. I’m an utter Jesus Freak and Bible geek, but when I start exhibiting it for the praise of man, I’ve completely gone off-track on a collision course with the Grace of God. I need to learn to help teach people at THEIR level, to put vast mysteries in little boxes they can open, digest and understand. Otherwise, how the hell am I going to reach a flock?

Oh, what truths have I been struggling with?

Every time God explains what He’s about to do, you know the reason He gives for whatever it is He’s about to do? “I will gain glory.” “It’s for my glory.” “I will be glorified.” Don’t take my word for it, go look. My favorites are Exodus 14, Isaiah 43:7, Daniel 9:17-19 (Daniel prays for Jerusalem’s salvation because it bears God’s name!), John 11 and John 13.

We exist, we scurry around this watery planet and draw breath after providential, miraculous breath for a single reason: to reflect God’s glory back to Him. The more we DO these things we were made to DO, the more content we become. When Paul talks about having found the secret to contentment in all things (Philippians 4:10-13), I think this is what he found. And you know the crazy thing? Having found it, I’m no closer to understanding or implementing it in my life. It’s the meaning of life, it’s the lasting, permanent, rock-solid filler for the hole in our lives, and it’s almost beyond our natures to actually DO it.

Had someone explained this to me just two or three years ago, I’d have rejected it outright. I’d have said, “no way can I follow a God whose only reason for creating and then allowing sin to corrupt, destroy and cause terror and pain is for His glory. That’s tragic, not triumphant. It’s an utter tragedy, and kills any hope of faith in my life.”

Now I’m where I am. I am saved by the unmerited Grace of my creator, and allowed, given the strength should I accept it, to walk the path Jesus showed us how to walk when He lived. God’s total self-concern isn’t tragic to me now, it’s hope. It’s a recognition that He is in fact God and I am not, and that this fact alone, long before His Grace saved me, obligates me to worship at His feet and reflect His glory as I am enabled by the Holy Spirit.

I give up my aspirations, my ambition for myself, my hopes and dreams of comfortable retirement in or around the caribbean, my desires to see my wife adorned in the best the world can offer in fashion and jewelry and for my children to want for utterly nothing. I give up my pain, my history of stupid mistakes and loud support for moral wrong. I give up my love of video games, motorcycles and comfort food. I give up my infatuation with the sound of my own voice and my own ideas, my pride in the intelligence and wisdom God gave me. I give up my self.

Substitute yourself for me, Lord. Take it all. Take everything. Take from me until there is nothing left of me, and then bring me alive in You. Give me Your fiery purpose, Your gentle touch, Your submission to the will of the Father, Your wisdom, Your love. Indwell me and let the fire of Your glory sear the wounds in my soul shut. Fill the emptiness with Your presence. Teach me to love my family, my church and my fellow man with the same reckless abandon with which You went to the cross. Open my eyes to my faults and show me how to correct them. Lead me, repeatedly, through the valley of the shadow of death, if by doing so I can gain You glory. Let every moment of pain I suffer as well as every pleasure and comfort give You glory and praise.

Show me what You showed Paul. Do in my life what I am incapable of doing myself. The changes I’ve made so far are the tip of the iceberg and are paltry compared to the glory that is You. Make my life a beacon of Your glory in the midst of a dark and sinful world that you might, through me, draw more to the wellspring of living water that is Your Son, Jesus. May the light You shine through me light the paths of those around me, whether they be few or many.

This prayer I pray this day and every moment of my waking life, in the strong and holy name of Jesus Christ, my risen and exalted savior. Amen.

PS: That prayer was… unexpected. I didn’t exactly sit down to write that… but rereading it, I really do mean it. I think this is what it means to really have a relationship with my creator. Oh man, was that a seal giving way in the corridor? *picks up 1MC* Damage control team to the bridge corridor *clicks off the mic* watch officer, what’s your depth?

“I figured we’d all go. I wanna try it out!”

“Cool, well, lets get everyone fed and ready before we go.”

After a dinner of Spanish Rice (that one was free, Rice-A-Roni), we packed up in the car, dealt with a crisis of can’t-take-my-toys-to-church with Lily, and were on our way. I popped Casting Crowns into the CD player and we talked about our hopes for the church. Karri wasn’t feeling too good, and we live right around the corner from the church, off 40th Ave, so conversation was short and we spent a lot of it listening to Casting Crowns sing, “Lifesong.”

When we arrived, as we were getting the kids out of the car, across the lane in the parking lot a young mom was getting her little boy out of the car. As we walked towards the church, I mentioned that we didn’t know where to go.

“Oh! Well, you guys can just follow me! How old are they?” she asked, referring to Lily and Laurel. I heard Karri answer, but had already retreated inside myself and was rejoicing that Karri had already found a buddy. She needs friends our age or close to it, so badly.

We walked to the door, and found not one or two but an entire hallway full of young families, kids and their parents, who all wanted to know who we were and how they could help us find our places of worship and study.

I was floored. I think I was struck dumb for probably 5-10 minutes as I watched the overwhelming sense of Godly love impact Karri and watched her open up like a flower in its time. We signed the kids in and got them to their rooms with the help of a wonderful little elderly lady who took over even introducing the girls to their classes.

So, then it was time to find our classes, for which we were late at this point. Karri found her class without much problem since the lady that we’d met in the parking lot had given her fairly good directions. After some poking around, I found Pastor Jeff’s men’s class and crept in the back door. I pulled up a chair and as I did so, the men in the back of the room made a place for me.

Let me back up a little bit. I need to confess something. Having spoken to Pastor Jay earlier that day and talked about the church’s missional attitude and specific targetting of the lost (not just unchurched) in the community, I did not expect much depth from a bible study in the church, especially one called, “Men’s Fraternity.” Somehow that latter word calls up images of a pastor in a toga hoisting a beer, and while I didn’t exactly expect that when I walked in, I certainly didn’t expect any real depth in teaching.

So imagine my surprise as I walked in and sat down and heard Pastor Jeff say, “So why, then, does God let bad things happen?”

Whoa.

I imagine my head jerked up in surprise as I sat down and heard those words. Was he really going to go here? This is heavy stuff, these are the sorts of questions I used to ask when I wanted to frustrate the crap out of my church leadership as a rebellious kid. I’ve since learned a little bit, but that’s still one of those questions that can rock a young Christian’s world. So I listened.

Several points were made, that God sometimes places us in situations so that we can grow in our discipleship, that God permissively allows negative things to occur in His creation, and the guy next to me (I think his name was Scott or Spike or something else really freaking cool) spoke up and quoted C.S. Lewis.

(Keanau Reeves) Whoa.

I was so impressed that I spoke up immediately after and mentioned that the best example of God allowing evil for the greater good He can accomplish through it exists in Job. The pastor asked me, in what I took to be not a challenge but perhaps a sensor question to see what I knew, to summarize Job and what I meant by that statement.

So I did.

I’m not sure he was expecting the summary I was able to give. He did seem to do a bit of a double-take. He corrected the initial part of my summary, in that it was God who did the pointing out of His most beloved servant, not Satan.

Pastor Jeff went on to talk about the fact that a life of discipleship does not bring earthly pleasure nor is it easy. (Haven’t I made the same points here on this blog recently?) Again, I was so startled to see these points being made that I spoke up, my filter seems to be disabled by surprise, and asked him to make sure to separate the concepts of earthly pleasure and God-given joy. Joy is the result of sanctification, the constant cycle of unfortunate sin, repentance, confession, and the acceptance of forgiveness. Joy comes from Grace.

It was at this point that Pastor Jeff turned around (after noting these concepts on the board) and asked me, “are you a seminary student?” I laughed and said no, I’m not. I pointed at my hat and said I’m attending William Carey in preparation for Seminary. “Well you do seem to know all the terminology!” he exclaimed.

The other guys were looking at me a little funny at this point, so I took a moment to pray and ask God for forgiveness for the pride that was growing at the praise I was receiving for the gifts He gave me. I gave him the praise I’d received and then returned my attention to the lesson, just in time to hear Pastor Jeff say, “And so, God works in our lives for our pleasure.”

I couldn’t help it. My internal filter must have been broken that night. I blurted out, “don’t you mean HIS pleasure? Philippians 2:12, work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God that works in you to will and work for HIS good pleasure?”

By this time, the class was cracking up. I’m sure they were thinking, “who is this young nut, coming in here and correcting the pastor?” Pastor Jeff replied that he had studied that exact verse earlier this week and had come to a conclusion that it serves the end of our pleasure as well as God’s. I replied,

“Of course it does. If we will and work for God’s good pleasure, if we focus on earning His smile, His pleasure, all the works we do towards that end increase our own pleasure as well! It’s not that we can earn our way into His good graces, but that as believers we focus on those good works because we want to please our King.”

At this point I don’t know what the class was thinking. As I was talking, I noticed looks of both confusion and of comprehension and admiration from the other guys in the room, so I resolved to keep my mouth shut for the rest of the class. That turned out to be an impossibility moments later as we split up into small groups to go over the worksheet Pastor Jeff had handed out prior to my arrival. As we moved the chairs into small groups, Scott (or Spike, whichever), asked me if I’d lead the group.

The worksheet was on Matthew 6:25-34, where Jesus preaches in His sermon on the mount on worry. As we talked about the very personal questions in the worksheet, I learned that one of the guys is an invesment and finance counselor, that all of us have two kids, and that each of us had some worry that was distracting us from focusing our lives on God. I made some points about the fact that worry is an indicator that we are attempting to “steal” back ownership or control of the lives we’ve given to Christ; that we should of course plan, but to do as James 4:13-17 suggests and say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live, and do this or that.”

Afterwards, we made our to another room and watched a short Andy Stanley video on the sovereignty, sheer awesomeness and right of God to choose whomever He wants to be His. Andy Stanley’s best point, I thought, was made when he talked about God’s name, “I AM.” There are some very cool, very deep theological implications contained in that single statement.

All in all, we had a great time. Karri sat with women she could really connect with, who seemed to genuinely care about her, and cared about what she had to say. She is so excited she’s looking for weekday activities to participate in that will bring her and the kids into the church more often. For myself, I’m still reeling and rejoicing from what was an utterly unexpected and completely awesome discipleship session, and I’m looking forward to more.

So far, so good. The first impression at First Hattiesburg has been among the most positive experiences we’ve had since we moved here over a year and a half ago. We’re going to continue to attend and will very likely join the church publicly at some point in the near future as we get to know the people and the mission and vision of the church.

Pastor Jay emerged from the office and we sat at one of the small cafe tables. I didn’t want to waste the man’s time, so I had some specific questions to ask, and a phrase or two I wanted to work in to get a reaction (people’s reactions are often the best indicator of their real beliefs). Please note that his responses here are my paraphrase, what I gleaned from the conversation and not direct quotes. If anything they are a faithful rendering of my impression of the man.

“So what can I do for you today, I’m sorry I don’t have much time, I’m afraid you caught us on a busy day,” he apologised.

“Definitely not a problem, man, I understand how busy planting a church can be, especially in the early stages. My wife and I are looking for a new church home.” I briefly explained the situation at Mainstreet and its affect on us, which answers the question WHY we’re looking. “What can you tell me about the Genesis of this place, is it a brand new church PLANT by First Baptist Hattiesburg, or a move?”

“It’s a move. Pastor Jeff felt a calling over the last two years to build or plant a church here in Hattiesburg that reaches out to the truly lost, those who have never been interested in church or Jesus. We were dying, had a primarily elderly congregation at the old location and were unable to grow in the ways we needed to in order to survive. Pastor Jeff’s vision combined with the opportunity to come out here resulted in us basically planting a brand new church here, with a starting congregation of about 1000,” he explained.

“So…” I responded, “would you consider First Hattiesburg a ‘seeker church’?”

Pastor Jay visibly recoiled at the question, “No, and I gotta tell you, I really dislike that phrase. We’re not the type of church whose mission is to simply attract as large a crowd as possible, and if they get a little of Jesus thrown in, so much the better. That’s not who we are. The vision here is to preach Jesus with no reservations and let the attractive power of the Gospel build the church. We’re using contemporary music and worship, but otherwise our theology is very conservative. Even the music itself is theologically centered, always with a message in mind.”

I grinned at his reaction (I hope he didn’t think I was laughing at him!), “Pastor Jay, I gotta tell you, I used that phrase specifically to see your reaction to it. It’s good to hear that you’re staying centered on Jesus and preaching him unashamedly. About the theology, though, how deep are you really able to get here? Is there something for those of us who have already sunk the well of discipleship fairly deeply to engage and encourage us here? My wife will be able to find kindred spirits without ANY trouble, I’m sure.”

Jay sat back, “Well, because of the people we are focused on bringing into the church, the lost who have never really been inside a church before, we have to limit the depth of our worship services and a lot of the small group studies we do, by necessity. I mean, you don’t present a deep expository 12-week study of Romans to a crowd full of new believers and seekers. It would blow them away, and you’d lose a lot of them to frustration.”

“Right, you’re not going to use C.S. Lewis or John Calvin in a sermon here, because that stuff is pretty dense in terms of the depth of material presented, and requires a lot of critical thinking skills,” I agreed.

“Exactly. However, I think you’ll be able to find something for you here. Pastor Jeff is teaching a class tonight (Wednesdays) and I’m doing a class on Ecclesiastes as well. Sundays you’re just going to have to look around and see what fits you and your wife. We have a lot of small group bible studies going on, and we should be starting a ‘preparing to reach out’ series of three-on-one or four-on-one groups at some point where we will be able to dive much deeper.” Jay said, leaning forward.

“Sounds great! Well, I have one or two last questions, mostly about doctrine. First, and this is a little blunt, but where do you guys stand on te atonement? Are you more Calvinist or lean towards the usual Southern Baptist stronghold of Free Will?”

Pastor Jay paused, “…I think you’ll find that most of the staff here lean towards the reformed side of things. I mean, Total Depravity is definitely there, Unconditional Election, Perseverence of the Saints, both here, but some of us are a little unsure about Irresistible Grace and most of us do not hold to Limited Atonement. You’re definitely not going to hear Free Will preached here, but you’re not going to hear its opposite extreme either. Pastor Jeff, I don’t know, I don’t think you’re going to hear him spouting off about any of it in a service. Same problem as above.”

I nodded, “Right, but it’s something important to me, to know where you all stand on these issues, because they will necessarily color your ministry. Look, I think I’ve taken up enough of your time today, I think for the rest of my questions I’ll need to actually come in and experience it and get to know you and your congregation.”

Jay smiled and stood, “Sounds good, we’ll see you tonight or sunday then?”

“I will likely be here tonight, but I won’t make promises for my wife. We’ll see,” I replied as we walked to the door.

“Okay, well, sorry I didn’t have the time to really sit down and dig into these things with you today. Wednesdays are really nuts, yanno.”

“Not a problem, man, I’ll see you tonight.”

“Alright, later!”

I mean, sure, I read the Bible and prayed like a maniac, and I even started researching what sort of niches I could find in the established denominations. But one of the things I’ve learned over the years is that you cannot truly know yourself outside of feedback from others. You will NEVER see yourself clearly if it’s just you looking. So as I prayed about it and attended church and talked to people, I kept hearing this phrase: “You’re really knowledgable and wise, you should be a teacher.”

I never really did settle on a definite, “Yes, this is precisely what I am called to do.” I have my own ideas, of course. I’d like to be a lay pastor in a church and teach at a seminary or bible college (based on what people were telling me). But since I’ve given my life to Christ for HIS glory not mine, I thought I should really let MY aspirations take a backseat to His will for me. I’ve been getting deeper and deeper into the word, sinking the well of discipleship as deep as I can get it into my life, and the deeper I go, the more my perceptions change.

Suddenly, within the last week, I’ve started hearing another phrase, even from my pastor. “You know, with your talents, gifts and your strong beliefs on the New Testament church, you would probably be frustrated with no end and likely waste your gifts on staff at a traditional, atrophied church. Have you given any thought to planting a church?”

Yeah, the thought’s occurred to me. It’s also occurred to me that I’m nowhere near ready for that. I’ve got a lot of school to get through before I can even consider it. My wife wants to get started with her career as well, so we’re not completely destitute if that’s where we’re really being led. Also, on a more personal level, I have vices I MUST put to death before I attempt a church plant. I will not, cannot subject my family to that kind of pressure and hardship without being fully armed to deal with it.

On the flip side of that coin… when Isaiah said, “here am I, Lord, send me,” and had his lips cleansed, the actual mission God had in mind was probably not something Isaiah had considered in his wildest fever-induced nightmares… and the timing wasn’t “yes, Lord, when I’m ready.” It was NOW. Similarly, when Jesus called His disciples they were mostly at work, going about their days peacefully, never even considering that their religion was empty. His call came, and it wasn’t, “yes, Lord, when I’m ready.” It was NOW.

I need kneepads for the kind of praying this deserves and requires. I also need courage, steadfastness, and all the help Jesus can give me, even if it’s in the form of family and friends supporting me.

Had this album for a while, never sat and listened to this song. It describes a lot of my history with the church.

The last time I was here, I apostated in disgust. This time… is going to be a bit different.

*takes a deep breath*

HOW DARE YOU.

Jesus, God incarnate in human flesh, the living WORD of God suffered the ultimate in indignities, humbled himself by virtue merely of His descent to be confined by this rude fleshy body and be held in thrall by its demands. When he was hanging there, bleeding and dying, on the cross, they shoved a sponge on a stick, soaked in vinegar and covered in feces (they used these to clean the bottoms of patrons of public wastehouses), into his face and mouth. He died, with the taste of SHIT in his mouth as His last impression of our race, and yet with that mouth and nose covered in filth, his last words were of forgiveness!

YOU DON’T DESERVE IT.

None of us do. The very best we can accomplish in our lives is equivalent to the filth shoved into Jesus’ mouth as he hung on the cross, and that we should take some sort of perverse pride in our sinful lives and accomplishments is an abomination and does violence to everything Jesus taught. Your self-promotion at the expense of others is not only sinful, but works directly against the progress of the Gospel!

YOU ARE AN AGENT OF THE ENEMY.

When you put your comfort above the love of the sinner, you assist the enemy. When you shoot a dark look at or whisper about a woman dressed less conservatively than befits your self-righteous notion of modesty, you create an environment of unfriendliness towards the sinner and you become a stumbling block, the Enemy’s favorite kind of Christian. You are the equivalent of the Pharisee and Scribe, against which Jesus pronounced woe after woe. You are the self-declared healthy for whom His salvation IS NOT MEANT. Remember the invective he poured on them? YOU VIPERS! YOU POISONOUS BROOD!

YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN THE WORST SINNERS IN HISTORY.

To break even one commandment is to break them all. You are guilty of sin, or you are not human. If Charles Manson were paroled by some miracle, and walked into our church, he should be accepted as an equal under God and should not only hear the Gospel of Salvation by Grace through Faith in Jesus Christ preached but find it LIVED BEFORE HIS EYES. The same goes for the couple living together in sin, or the porn addict, or the homosexual, or that guy that dresses and talks funny that the kids like to make fun of, or JESUS. If Jesus Christ returned and walked into our church, would He find the vision He left for us? Would he?

WWJD IS NOT A CLEVER MARKETING SCHEME.

What WOULD Jesus do if he walked into our church? Would he sit quietly, nod His head at the appropriate points during sermon, sing the songs halfheartedly and go through the motions unobtrusively? Would He find His gospel preached and lived before His eyes? Or would He find an atrophied, dead, cynical, skin-deep church without conviction, profession without possession? He certainly wouldn’t find an honest appraisal of His teachings. We’ve stripped out the offensive bits. They tend to split congregations, after all, and that’s bad for the building fund and the execution of the lofty but rarely-biblical vision of the church. No… Jesus would not be silent. That’s not the Messiah we have in the Word. That’s not the Christ He is. The fact of the matter is that…

JESUS HAS ALREADY PRONOUNCED DOOM ON THIS CHURCH.

Many will come before him and say, “Lord, Lord,” presenting their resumes of accomplishments in His name, talking about all of the lives changed by their efforts and He will turn from them saying, “I never knew you, depart from me…” The sad and terrifying fact is that there are a multitude of Christians who have never made it past profession and baptism. Their journey ended there, fell flat, and never developed into discipleship. If we allow that cycle to continue, what worth are we to Him? If we, who know Jesus and feel the depth of our unworthiness for His Grace, do nothing to solve the problem, how great is our failure! Worse, how great the failure that allowed over the last several generations this calamity to occur. Generations of cultural Christians completely lost, forever. The tragedy is unspeakable.

DISCIPLESHIP IS NEITHER EASY NOR COMFORTABLE.

A faith that comes from the Holy Spirit is not content with stellar church attendance records. It is not content with just doing what you tell yourself is your best and shrugging at failure. It is not content with superficial Bible scholarship, halfhearted worship or cosmic-candyman-ism. It does not tolerate idolatry. It does not tolerate lapses into sin without great pain and self-chastisement. It does not tolerate pride, which leads to a great many sins. It is, in other words, anything but easy or comfortable.

…

I have lost my patience, reached my wits’ end. I have hidden my faith, my longing for deep discipleship and fellowship with similar Christians for long enough. No more. I’m tired of smiling benignly at the patronizing platitudes of people warning me away from the battle for which I have been chosen. I’m through quietly gritting my teeth and squirming when grave, uncorrected error occurs before my eyes.

Henceforth I will gladly and with love in my heart shame publicly any man or woman, in my church or elsewhere, that objects to outreach, to changes in structure of worship and presentation of the Gospel to be more authentic, to the aggressive and offensive presentation and living of the Gospel in which I engage and will encourage others to engage, to any effective means of growing not just converts but disciples of Jesus Christ, to the arming of those disciples with the deeper truths of the Gospel and sending them out to minister to a culture desperately in need of a Savior… on the basis of their ease or comfort. You will find in me a ready and able apologist, and a willing opponent. If I have to be the thorn in the side of this congregation and the greater Christian community, I shall. I will preach shamelessly the uncomfortable truths of Jesus’ ministry and His salvation. It is here I have been led by my God. It is for this that I am convicted and called. May the Lord fill me with His strength for this task, and arm me appropriately.

_______________________

One thing I should note, before I stop and go to bed… My church is not alone in its affliction, and is certainly not devoid of faithful, committed disciples of Christ. Many in my Sunday school class are good, deeply committed disciples of Christ. It would seem, however, that they are outnumbered and shouted down far too often. Recently they’ve been asking for volunteers for council positions. I think I may volunteer for a couple or at least lend my voice. Perhaps I can be the short, pugnacious Paul of this church. Perhaps we will simply be ostracized and cast out to find another congregation. Even if so, it won’t stop the Lord’s anointed work, if I’m right and this is what I’ve been called to do. This blog will go on, I will continue to pursue theological education and personal discipleship, and I will continue, with the help of the Holy Spirit, preaching the truth.

Next week I’ve been asked to teach Sunday school. The background scripture is Psalm 51. More here as I discern where God wants me to take those ideas (it’s a song of repentance) with this group. For now, sleep.

When Jesus walked the earth, he was surrounded by the earliest model of the church. His first acts were to call, teach and train His disciples the truth of who He was and what His mission was here on earth. He grounded them in doctrine and gave them conviction. As he preached, around him gathered a motley group of seekers, some of whom would eventually believe, some of whom would not. All gathered around the wellspring of life that is Jesus, the disciples in His inner circle, with seekers in an outer circle.

When Jesus had ascended, the very first churches were started in this model. Paul, Barnabus, Mark, Luke, Timothy and others all went out into the world, selected and trained elders, then turned outward to the seekers, preaching the word. The training of elders of course never stops. As each new believer grows with strength in the Holy Spirit, they are called on to exercise the gifts they’ve been given. The natural progression was from seeker to believer to disciple, and for those with gifts of leadership and spiritual discernment who meed the criteria, eldership.

Note that the step from belief to discipleship is separated. Baptism and profession of belief do not a disciple make. Discipleship is something learned over time and maturity in God’s word, and is highly costly both in those terms and in terms of the oh-so-human preconceived notions (such as self-worth, relativity of sin, and the nature of humanity, to name a few) we have to redefine or leave behind outright in the process. True, honest discipleship in Jesus Christ will challenge the very foundations of your world. Profession of belief and baptism into a church community is only the first step.

And it’s that journey for which elders are partially responsible. Those of us who have traveled along that road further than others have a biblical duty to guide those less mature, to correct them where necessary and encourage them when they fall. Too often in today’s evangelical church, we engage in “dunk ‘em and drop ‘em” conversions, which, to make a tangential point, I call statistic-padding. We focus on the conversion and baptism so we can send good numbers to the convention at the end of the week or month and get that tithing member into the congregation and grow the revenue of money we get to manage. Depressingly, this is where it ends for the growth of many Christians. Oh, certainly they are lit afire for some time, and study the word with a voracious appetite… at least for a while.

But without the encouragement, guidance and edification provided by a loving elder disciple their feet will falter on the path. It is inevitable, and our Enemy loves to target new Christians for exactly this reason. Their atheist friends will plant doubts that will need to be explained. They will stumble across a superficial contradiction in the Bible or some other misunderstanding and without a satisfactory solution become disillusioned. Once that happens, they’re easy pickings for the whispers of the Evil One. Or, as is very common, they become cultural Christians, convinced, as their experiences lead them to believe, that their journey stopped when they were baptised. “After that,” they think, “I was justified and regenerated, so no need to bother with high theology or really reading deeply into the Bible. After all, if I can’t get the answers to my questions there, the answers likely just don’t exist.”

Who can blame them for thinking that way? When I was growing up in the church, the only way I managed to avoid becoming yet another lost Christian was the great fortune of having the parents I have who taught me and the strong mind God gave me to think critically. I also have been gifted with a mind that is like a sponge with information, and have always been naturally inquisitive. I despise not knowing how something works, especially when it breaks. But when I was a kid, I asked hard questions about the faith I’d grown up with. Why did God allow bad things to happen? Was evil within God’s will? Was it then NOT evil? You can imagine the canned, stale answers I got when I got answers at all. More often than not I was told I was much too young to be asking these questions and to run along and chase girls (I dutifully obeyed at least the last).

The bottom line is that the church isn’t structured or behaving as though it is attached to the vine that is Jesus. What fruit is produced when elders are spiritually atrophied husks, when their leadership capitulates to every loudly proclaimed desire of the congregation, whether that desire is biblical or not? I’ll tell you what: a golden calf. An idol. Like Moses coming down from the mountain, Jesus is going to come back (and soon, by my reckoning) and have some pretty harsh words for such leadership. How can you possibly intend to lead a congregation when your depth and commitment as a disciple ends anyplace it might cost you? How do you set an example and lead when your epistemology ends at the boundaries of tradition, with no further thought required or tolerated?

So how do we remedy this situation? I can’t accept the glib answer that some churches are simply beyond remedy, and to move on until I find a congregation and group of leaders who have the same ideas I do. You can’t possibly ask me to turn my back on the faithful disciples that exist within the church as it is, struggling to make their voices heard if they haven’t been completely downtrodden already. There are good people trapped in there! How do you take a church whose ecclesiology is completely twisted by the effects of years of sinful leadership and turn it around to center on Christ once again? Is it even my place to attempt it? I haven’t been appointed as an elder, I’m just a young guy with some very, very clear ideas of what I believe and a heart full of courage to match those convictions.

What can I do?