To understand how excruciating this was for me, let me do some explaining. I was raised to believe that the Father and Husband is to provide for his family. The only guys who didn’t were deadbeats and junkies who were also likely to be addicted to drugs or alcohol and incapable of a lot of other things in life besides holding down a job. I wasn’t just depressed, here, I hated myself. I looked in the mirror and saw (still do to some extent) a weak, worthless drag on the lives of my family, and even at more than one point courted the idea of suicide.

Finally God granted us an opportunity here in Hattiesburg (I was certainly in no condition to give a great interview on my own), and I was able to accept. This position has provided me with the ability to allow Karri to stay at home and care for our children in comfort. My life turned around, and I was validated again. My ego soared and I excelled at my job…

…for a while.

Sometime in the middle of 2008, after moving to Hattiesburg and getting settled in with the new job, my marriage to Karri faced probably the single biggest crisis we’ve yet seen, and that’s saying something considering the things we’ve been through together. At that time, despite professing faith in Jesus, I was continuing in habitual sin, suffering from an addiction to pornography. After fighting over it numerous times, Karri made it clear to me that I could choose either my addiction or my family, but one would be leaving my life, and soon.

I prayed. Hard. I found myself, despite my success in my career, at the same place I’d been before, standing at the edge of a chasm, being crushed under the weight of self-hatred. Finally, and I don’t know what prompted this epiphany so don’t ask, I came to the conclusion that I was incapable of extricating myself from this situation without Jesus. I’m not exaggerating when I say I didn’t sleep for at least three days as I prayed and read an old bible I had lying around. Jesus showed me the pain I was causing my wife, showed me how unfulfilling my sin really was and led me to the place where I rejected the sin outright. Again, no exaggeration, with Jesus’ help I went cold turkey in a week on that particular grievous sin. It’s not the subject of this blog post, but I can’t help but gush… I may have begged Jesus to save me from myself years prior to this event, but it was here that I truly began to believe. This was my road to Damascus. Jesus healed me, a wretched sinner and leper.

Our marriage took some time to recover, and in the meantime, we decided to start attending church. As we searched for a Church, I talked more and more with my Dad, who is quite simply one of the most Godly men I know, and as we talked, I grew more convicted that I should be studying the Bible seriously. So, I began reading at Matthew and shortly afterwards, felt compelled to write about the conclusions and convictions that resulted from my reading. Over the course of the winter and spring months of 2009, God used that tug in my heart along with the observations of my then-pastor, friends and family to lead me to the place where he could make clear a calling to full-time ministry.

Now, I don’t know about any other pastor out there, I don’t know about anyone else called to ministry, but when that call was clear, there was no question of obedience. As good as I am at writing software, it is about as fulfilling as watching grass grow, and less exciting. I have NEVER been happy doing this, even when I was using it to fill a need better filled with Christ, namely my egotistical need for praise. So, I signed up for a trimester of classes at William Carey University with the stated purpose of completing my degree and moving on to Seminary (which one I have no idea).

Now all of this has been leading up to where we are today. I’m classed as a Junior at WCU, able to graduate next year if I apply myself. Last night Karri and I discussed the situation and agreed that it terrifies us both half to death. Before she’s able to get done with her schooling and get a job, I’m going to be ready to transition to a position in full time ministry. Our income will probably drop by half if we’re lucky, and we’re already not exactly the most fiscally responsible people in the world. One of the things I told Karri last night really floored me (does this happen to anyone else? Sometimes things escape my lips and not only have they not passed through any sort of filter, they aren’t my bloody thoughts at ALL.), “You remember a few years ago, when I was suicidally depressed over being unable to provide for us as a family? Now I’m staring at the same abyss, and I have to trust that Jesus will provide when I can’t.” Had a similar thought occurred to me four years ago, I’d have dismissed it outright and thought myself going more than slightly insane. Now? It seems perfectly natural. I cannot believe that Jesus would call me (and thus my family) to a life of servitude in His name and not provide for our needs. What really remains is to turn our desires to Him.

We have three computers when one or perhaps two would suffice. I have five guitars, three amps, and some very expensive software for writing music that I’ve rarely used. Eating at restaurants, even take-out, is a luxury. I have an addiction issue with video games that I need to work on. The kids are attracted to TV in an unhealthy way, such that they throw fits when we turn it off. We idolize good food such that we can’t make do with basics and leftovers when we need to.

All idols, all created things and incapable of granting us happiness. I have to trust that God will provide us with our needs, but I also have to believe that my desires will be better met in Him than in these things I’ve spent so much time and money on accumulating. So, this is the prayer I have been praying for the last few weeks, and will continue to pray:

King Jesus, thank you. Your will is better than any plan I could come up with, and more fulfilling than any diversion I can devise. Please, I beg that You would meet the needs of my family for sustenance, both physical and spiritual, and turn our hearts’ desires towards You. For, if we desire You and come to You, we cannot help but be satisfied. Guide our steps that we would walk in ways that please You, and give us Your wisdom to learn from the obstacles of the day. I pray that we will reflect Your glory and not add to your suffering on the cross, and beg the embrace of your forgiveness for our sins when we fail. May the knowledge of Your grace increase where we walk, as it is Your will. In Your gracious, strong name these things I do pray, and believe.

Amen.

-Evan

If I am being so negatively affected by the attitude and errors of the church I’m attending that I can’t worship and praise with a whole heart, that’s a pretty rough sign. That means my energies while I’m supposed to be participating in fellowship with and the edification of my fellow Christians and lifting up my deep, endless thanks for God’s infinite grace in my life… I’m instead watching for and noting the places we get it wrong, and getting steadily more angry about it.

Look at that statement! It’s everything I don’t like about Mainstreet, and I’m starting to do it. Dear God, is this what has happened to these poor people? Is the environment of that place a self-perpetuating downward spiral of cynical legalism under the guise of truth-telling, and has it affected me?

I’m very quickly becoming convinced it’s time for me to move my family on to other pastures. I need somewhere for myself and Karri that we can lift our voices and shout, “Praise God, from whom all blessings flow!” and mean it without the distraction of worrying about what the little old ladies think or how it is perceived by the majority of the crowd or what have you. I need someplace the kids can be kids without being judged or lectured by well-meaning legalistic caretakers, but instead lovingly instructed and guided.

I’m heartbroken about this, I really am. I’ve come to love a lot of the people at Mainstreet, and hope those friendships don’t to come to an end. They shouldn’t, but God knows we people are fragile emotional beings about these sorts of things. *sigh* Before I leave Mainstreet, I will be publishing and/or speaking on why, comprehensively. Maybe our leaving will be beneficial to those we leave behind somehow. I hope so.

1. God cannot be put in a box. I said a while back, “dude, I don’t wanna do youth ministry. Those guys have the hardest job in the building other than the pastor, and get paid PEANUTS for it. You don’t need to go to Africa to live in relative poverty, just be a youth minister.” Fast forward to today when I’m a part of the praise and worship team for the youth and college ministry of my church, and LOVING IT.
2. So far I’m kicking butt in my classes. If I can avoid annoying my english comp teacher by raising my hand and calling her out too often, I think we’ll get along ok. Public Speaking also going very well. Dr Jon’s class is probably the most complicated this trimester, but only in the depth and breadth of material presented, not tested.
3. I am starting the marathon of dental work to repair my war zone of a mouth. I’m hoping I can keep most of my teeth. Seriously, that is a concern. I’m certain two of them are going to be leaving in short order. Two more are teetering on the edge. A couple need root canals and caps, and I have a host of fillings needed. As Karri said, “maybe you’ll brush when it doesn’t hurt just to have the bristles touch your teeth.”
4. My satisfaction level at work has fallen off the map. I spend most of my time either working on the busywork-ish stuff I’ve been handed or thinking about (and writing about) Theology, family, church, the kids, etc. I continue to be simply consumed by fiery zeal for my savior, Jesus Christ. It is a textbook obsession. I’m an incurable Bible geek now.
5. This new laptop rocks!

That is all…

I left Hattiesburg to visit my wife and kids over the weekend, and all seemed to be going well. Lily did pretty well with me leaving on Sunday; Laurel was having some stomach troubles, but nothing major-league. I was about 30 minutes from Hattiesburg when I got a call from Karri:

“Hey, you probably ought to turn around and head back now.” (Uh-oh)

“Why, what’s up?”

“Laurel is being admitted to the hospital. She’s running a fever of 100.3 and the doc says that with her being less than 60 days old, there’s a whole battery of tests they have to do. He said it could be anything from a stomach virus to meningitis.”

“Oh f*ck me sideways with a lead pipe and no lube.”

“Yeah.”

After about an hour, some cheap deli food and Frito and Betty telling bad inside jokes for me to chuckle nervously about, I turned around and headed back to Montgomery.

Long story short, and since I’m a little vague on the details anyway myself having gotten about 6 hours of sleep in the last 72, I ended up babysitting Laurel in the hospital while Karri took a short and pointless break on Monday. We tag-teamed out that night, and Lily ended up coming down with a fever over 103 that night, complete with involuntary muscle spasming and inconsolable crying. We were at the ER not 10 minutes after that started (about 4-5 AM) and didn’t leave until lunch (about 11:30 AM). She has a moderate case of strep throat.

Laurel endured test after test and finally was released Tuesday night around 9:45 PM after I had left town to meet the movers in Hattiesburg, who, oh, by the way, packed the house up on Monday while I babysat Lily a while. Yeah, talk about insanity. We’re moving, my wife is outprocessing the military and Murphy decides to add a little flavor by putting both kids in the hospital at the beginning of our last week in Montgomery. Thanks Murph. Feel free to kiss my ass anytime.

Karri’s niece and sister left in the middle of all of this. The niece had been here for several, several weeks helping out, so I’m a bit more understanding there, but my sister-in-law may have permanently worn out her welcome. That remains to be seen, however, and it’s not my place to comment right now. I am, however, less than impressed and more than slightly pissed, for a number of reasons. I’ll leave things be at that, since it’s my wife’s family and not really my bone to pick until she hands it to me. I’d much rather she handle it than I get involved and feelings really get hurt. I’m not exactly known for sensetivity or understanding when it comes to such things.

My family, however, has dropped plans and made sacrifices to be in Montgomery to help. I put out the distress signal to my Mom this morning and she was in town (a 3 and a half hour drive for her) at lunch. May I take this moment to say, definitively, that this is real love and family in action. My sister is also dropping plans to come down tomorrow to help Karri get everything ready for the Big Move this weekend, and will likely even be dodging some commitments back in Georgia to come all the way to Hattiesburg on Friday and Saturday. My family rocks. For those of you not blessed with this kind of familial love, you have my pity.

So, I’m in Hattiesburg now and so tired I’m hoping my attempt to iron work clothes after I save and push this to the site doesn’t produce burns and/or ruined clothes. After that I’m going to take a shower to ease some of the tension in my poor shoulders and lower back and try to wash away three days of body stench. Starting to get the shakes now. Signing off. Expect a more philosophical post tomorrow.

I’m wearing one of those smiles that creeps onto your face after you’ve solved a particularly poignant life mystery, and there’s a very good reason for this, because I have indeed.

The grass is never, ever greener on the other side. It’s just different.

Granted, I haven’t received my first paycheck yet, and that will likely re-color my view on things once I discover if my tax projections were accurate. However, I’ve discovered, within the first four days of starting work here (I’ll leave the name of the company out for now. Those who know, know.), that I’ve traded one set of issues, albeit gargantuan ones, for another set. Now, let me qualify. The “issues” I’ve discovered at my new place of employment are nothing like the ones I’ve recently left behind, and I’ll let the details of that situation slide for now. They are infinitely less troublesome, to the point of seeming laughably trivial. They do, however, exist and must be dealt with. The grass isn’t greener. It’s just different.

I am, however, gratified to find that I am working with some very talented, if young, individuals who are reshaping the way I think about the non-native workforce in this country, particularly in this industry. The lead on one of the projects I am a member of is an extremely talented young man who I think is from the Central Asian region, possibly India or Pakistan. He reminds me of another ridiculously talented developer I met while in the Air Force who gets to listen to me vent all the time on instant messenger. How lucky I am to have friends who’ll put up with my inward outbursts that inadvertently find expression over the net.

The new house is so spartan as to be almost cave-like. It’s left my afternoons and evenings feeling so empty as to prompt me to deliberately make messes to take up space, so the house doesn’t feel quite so cavernous and lonely. I miss my family.

Good news on that front, though, they should all be here around the end of this next month, which is fantastic news. I had been hoping for that, but planning on them arriving at the end of May instead of April. So, happy dance ensuing.

All in all, life is looking up. My challenges are the welcome kind and I see nothing but increased happiness on the horizon for me and mine.

For now.