The next day, his fellow students were craning their necks over their readers struggling to make sense of text that for the boy was intuitive. He could have pretended to struggle, but he hadn’t yet learned that he needed to hide his ability, that it could make others uncomfortable. That was about to change.

“Evan, why aren’t you reading?” Asked the teacher, her oversized eyes blinking behind the horn-rimmed glasses she wore.

“I finished already,” he answered simply.

“You can’t have finished, we just started a minute ago,” she said, obviously exasperated at what had to be a lie meant to excuse a lazy student from classwork.

“No, I finished the reader already. I did it yesterday while we were doing the spelling review.” It was obvious he was doing something else during that, wasn’t it? He hadn’t looked up once. Why was she so surprised?

“Fine. Tell me about the story.” No better way to expose a lie than assume its truth, she thought.

So he did. In detail. That was another thing he’d noticed, he tended to remember what he read, especially if it was interesting, and stories were almost always interesting.

“Well you’re not supposed to read ahead,” sputtered the now-animated teacher, obviously confused, “you go out in the hallway and wait for the rest of the class to finish.”

Flabbergasted and embarrassed, the boy got up and trudged outside, sitting down in the hallway as the door slammed behind him.

Not me, the boy thought furtively. The assignment had been to write a simple short fictional account. He’d chosen to transform one of his favorite songs into prose, using the imagery of the song to weave a series of disconnected narratives into a tapestry that complimented the song with its meta-narrative. That it had failed to be appreciated by either his fellow students or the fat teacher mattered more to him than he would ever let on, but it had accomplished its purpose.

“I am your intellectual and literary superior,” he thought loudly, looking around the room and knowing his classmates got the message loud and clear. It was a good thing he cared very little for being popular, because most of his “peers,” as he thought of them smugly, hated him for his arrogance. He knew they looked for opportunities to prove he was not a genius in every area of study, and wasn’t perturbed when they found them. He was an admitted klutz with math, and couldn’t abide most sports.

What the boy wanted most of all was to alienate and push away his teachers, to rebel in the most infuriating way he knew how: by being brilliant and yet defiant. He failed classes with impunity, then happily aced them in summer school the following months. Homework went uncompleted and projects that were uninteresting busywork lay untouched and unreturned. He was the slacker all teachers would fear, he of infinite potential but desperately untamable will. And despite their dire warnings of failure, he’d show them. He’d succeed (whatever that meant) and make them all eat their words.

The fact that my situation in high school was a self-imposed prison did not become clear to me for many years. In fact, much of the knowledge I’d accumulated did not begin to be applied until I was well into adulthood, having survived a continued rebellious period while in the US Air Force. The violent wake-up call that was enlisted service in the Armed Forces combined with falling in love, marriage and fatherhood forcibly expanded my circle of “self” to people whose fulfillment of needs depend on my steady hand. This increase in responsibility at least catapulted me out of irrational rebelliousness.

Another result of that shedding of skin was my re-adoption of the faith of my childhood, though through the eyes of an adult. Since my return to submission to God, I have devoted my mental energies to understanding His word and communicating the clear messages therein to those around me. Not long after I reconverted, it became obvious that my abilities were sharpening under the weight of constant Bible study, and that there had to be a purpose to what was obviously a gift. With this, we come to where I am now, in Research and Composition at William Carey University finishing a preparatory Bachelor’s degree in Religion before moving on to graduate work in Apologetics and Theology. As God wills it, I will continue to use the gift he’s given me not for my own arrogant self-satisfaction, but for the edification of those around me, what I believe to be the purpose of this gift. I wonder sometimes, though, what might have become of my early adulthood and adolescence had that teacher in 3rd grade reacted differently.

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. (Ephesians 4:25 ESV)

This strikes me as one of the most profound things I’ve ever read. In context, putting away all falsehood is a result, or a part, of “putting on” the new self after rejecting the old. I think the latter, on reflection, as what Paul implies here is not merely the eschewing of blatant falsehood but the surrender of illusions.

I’ll let that sink in for a sec.

So what does it mean to surrender our illusions? Well, we all have them, firstly. There is not a man, woman or child living that doesn’t tell themselves comforting stories about their environment to “civilize” their situations, their surroundings and their relationships with others. We ignore things we’re uncomfortable with and replace the truth with conveniently painted lies to make life less painful, make each breath a little easier. We “accentuate the positive” by simply focusing our attention there more firmly. How many people do you know whose lives echo the drama they see on television or in the movies, who are constantly weaving great epics around themselves? I know plenty, and I’m sure you do too.

But what Paul is calling us to here is in stark contrast with this common behavior. He’s calling us to place our faith in the truth, to embrace it and not color over its rougher parts nor paint the brighter bits in neon. We’re called to put away falsehood, let go of our illusions about ourselves and our standing before God and man, BUT WHY?

In this verse (and its context), I see an if-then relationship. Before we can speak the truth to each other and have it be of any use, be believable in any way, we MUST rid ourselves of illusion and live on the solid rock that is that truth. If we don’t live the truth, how can we expect people to believe the truth?

In case anyone is thinking that letting go of illusions is easy, ask yourself this: what have I loved this week more than God, and how was I hiding from that truth? What sins have I committed this week and rationalized behind convenient ideas of relative morality, so abhorrent to God, but useful when I’m the perpetrator?

This scripture pierces me to the core, and I don’t like what it tells me about myself… but I submit to it and the Truth to which it points.

To understand how excruciating this was for me, let me do some explaining. I was raised to believe that the Father and Husband is to provide for his family. The only guys who didn’t were deadbeats and junkies who were also likely to be addicted to drugs or alcohol and incapable of a lot of other things in life besides holding down a job. I wasn’t just depressed, here, I hated myself. I looked in the mirror and saw (still do to some extent) a weak, worthless drag on the lives of my family, and even at more than one point courted the idea of suicide.

Finally God granted us an opportunity here in Hattiesburg (I was certainly in no condition to give a great interview on my own), and I was able to accept. This position has provided me with the ability to allow Karri to stay at home and care for our children in comfort. My life turned around, and I was validated again. My ego soared and I excelled at my job…

…for a while.

Sometime in the middle of 2008, after moving to Hattiesburg and getting settled in with the new job, my marriage to Karri faced probably the single biggest crisis we’ve yet seen, and that’s saying something considering the things we’ve been through together. At that time, despite professing faith in Jesus, I was continuing in habitual sin, suffering from an addiction to pornography. After fighting over it numerous times, Karri made it clear to me that I could choose either my addiction or my family, but one would be leaving my life, and soon.

I prayed. Hard. I found myself, despite my success in my career, at the same place I’d been before, standing at the edge of a chasm, being crushed under the weight of self-hatred. Finally, and I don’t know what prompted this epiphany so don’t ask, I came to the conclusion that I was incapable of extricating myself from this situation without Jesus. I’m not exaggerating when I say I didn’t sleep for at least three days as I prayed and read an old bible I had lying around. Jesus showed me the pain I was causing my wife, showed me how unfulfilling my sin really was and led me to the place where I rejected the sin outright. Again, no exaggeration, with Jesus’ help I went cold turkey in a week on that particular grievous sin. It’s not the subject of this blog post, but I can’t help but gush… I may have begged Jesus to save me from myself years prior to this event, but it was here that I truly began to believe. This was my road to Damascus. Jesus healed me, a wretched sinner and leper.

Our marriage took some time to recover, and in the meantime, we decided to start attending church. As we searched for a Church, I talked more and more with my Dad, who is quite simply one of the most Godly men I know, and as we talked, I grew more convicted that I should be studying the Bible seriously. So, I began reading at Matthew and shortly afterwards, felt compelled to write about the conclusions and convictions that resulted from my reading. Over the course of the winter and spring months of 2009, God used that tug in my heart along with the observations of my then-pastor, friends and family to lead me to the place where he could make clear a calling to full-time ministry.

Now, I don’t know about any other pastor out there, I don’t know about anyone else called to ministry, but when that call was clear, there was no question of obedience. As good as I am at writing software, it is about as fulfilling as watching grass grow, and less exciting. I have NEVER been happy doing this, even when I was using it to fill a need better filled with Christ, namely my egotistical need for praise. So, I signed up for a trimester of classes at William Carey University with the stated purpose of completing my degree and moving on to Seminary (which one I have no idea).

Now all of this has been leading up to where we are today. I’m classed as a Junior at WCU, able to graduate next year if I apply myself. Last night Karri and I discussed the situation and agreed that it terrifies us both half to death. Before she’s able to get done with her schooling and get a job, I’m going to be ready to transition to a position in full time ministry. Our income will probably drop by half if we’re lucky, and we’re already not exactly the most fiscally responsible people in the world. One of the things I told Karri last night really floored me (does this happen to anyone else? Sometimes things escape my lips and not only have they not passed through any sort of filter, they aren’t my bloody thoughts at ALL.), “You remember a few years ago, when I was suicidally depressed over being unable to provide for us as a family? Now I’m staring at the same abyss, and I have to trust that Jesus will provide when I can’t.” Had a similar thought occurred to me four years ago, I’d have dismissed it outright and thought myself going more than slightly insane. Now? It seems perfectly natural. I cannot believe that Jesus would call me (and thus my family) to a life of servitude in His name and not provide for our needs. What really remains is to turn our desires to Him.

We have three computers when one or perhaps two would suffice. I have five guitars, three amps, and some very expensive software for writing music that I’ve rarely used. Eating at restaurants, even take-out, is a luxury. I have an addiction issue with video games that I need to work on. The kids are attracted to TV in an unhealthy way, such that they throw fits when we turn it off. We idolize good food such that we can’t make do with basics and leftovers when we need to.

All idols, all created things and incapable of granting us happiness. I have to trust that God will provide us with our needs, but I also have to believe that my desires will be better met in Him than in these things I’ve spent so much time and money on accumulating. So, this is the prayer I have been praying for the last few weeks, and will continue to pray:

King Jesus, thank you. Your will is better than any plan I could come up with, and more fulfilling than any diversion I can devise. Please, I beg that You would meet the needs of my family for sustenance, both physical and spiritual, and turn our hearts’ desires towards You. For, if we desire You and come to You, we cannot help but be satisfied. Guide our steps that we would walk in ways that please You, and give us Your wisdom to learn from the obstacles of the day. I pray that we will reflect Your glory and not add to your suffering on the cross, and beg the embrace of your forgiveness for our sins when we fail. May the knowledge of Your grace increase where we walk, as it is Your will. In Your gracious, strong name these things I do pray, and believe.

Amen.

-Evan

The Calling of Matthew

9 As Jesus went on from there, he saw a man named Matthew sitting at the tax collector’s booth. “Follow me,” he told him, and Matthew got up and followed him.

10 While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew’s house, many tax collectors and “sinners” came and ate with him and his disciples. 11 When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and ‘sinners’?”

12 On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. 13 But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

Matt 9:9-13 (NIV)

Someone in my Sunday school class said a few weeks ago, as we were discussing the persistence of sin in the believer’s life after Justification (Romans 7), “but what happens when you try to witness to someone and they just throw back in your face, ‘you’re a sinner too, and you’re trying to tell me this?’” My response during the class was less tactful than I tend to try to be, but in my defense, I was a bit excited. See last post. I am a Bible geek and Jesus freak.

“But that’s the point, that’s the whole thrust of the Good News itself! We’re broken, each and every one of us, and in desperate need of a Savior who can set us free from slavery to the desires of the flesh, which never satisfy, they only make us desire them more!”

Our brokenness doesn’t disqualify us from presenting the Gospel to others. In fact, it can be a very effective tool in the hands of the Holy Spirit in getting across the deadly seriousness of our condition when we live without the Gospel. See, some people seem to think that their sin is a black mark on their walk with God, that He (and by extension, the Church) will somehow love them less because of their sin, and that their sin will diminish their social standing in the Church and with non-Christians.

(The latter of these may even be true in some so-called Christian churches, but I would be hard-pressed to admit the membership of any such congregation in the Body of Christ. A word to any suffering in such a situation: get out and seek a congregation where the love of God is displayed in His people. No vine that is connected to Him can fail to be overcome with love for sinners, that they might come to know Him as well and join in the great celebration of His love.)

In fact, if you read the scripture above, it isn’t the sin in the lives of these men that disqualifies them from participating in the healing mission of Jesus Christ, is it? Jesus didn’t shrug off the mantle of divinity and descend to be born a human being, live and love His Earthly family for a while before leaving home to teach and be rejected, ultimately to die in our place as sacrifice for our sin… for people who are perfect. On the contrary, He did all those things (and more) for the broken, the poor in spirit, the destitute and depressed. He came to remove the condemnation of the Law of God, that “sting” of death that sends the unrepentant to eternal separation from Him in hell. And there’s the key: repentance.

Should we be proud of our sin? No. Sin is always a cause for mourning, as it cannot fail to separate us from God, and anyone else against whom we’ve sinned. Our hope, our only hope, lies in the fact that Jesus bridged that gap by providing us with His perfect sacrifice. He meets us where we are, asks us to repent and confess our sins to Him so that he can cancel out their condemnation. By doing so, Jesus has made us righteous before God and thus capable of standing in His presence. But the first step is always the admission of and repentance for sin. Confess it and repent, then accept His forgiveness.

Jesus is pretty clear that the self-righteous (those who admit no faults) are not on his to-do list for salvation. Don’t be so preoccupied with hiding your sin, from your fellow Christians, from the lost or from yourself, that you lose sight of the simple fact that it is your brokenness that makes His Grace so amazing. If you sweep your sin under the rug for too long, you will lose the inevitable sense of wonder at that Grace, and then you really will be incapable of sharing it with others effectively.

-Evan

This week the full force of my geekiness has been turned towards the Bible as I’ve discovered and started to practice the Bible study technique that John Piper uses, called “Arcing.” It’s something that feels a little bit like forcing yourself to breathe, because we do this naturally whenever we read anything, discerning meaning from language. The catch is that this technique forces you into the author’s mind to discern not just any meaning but THEIR meaning for using this or that particular word or phrase. It’s not unlike sentence diagramming, but on a larger scale and much more fruitful in terms of the information you can glean from doing so.

John Piper here talks about this technique and basically says all the things I just said, but better… because he’s John Piper, and I’m Evan Weeks, and we can’t be compared in the same sentence while drinking unless you like beverage squirting out your eyes.

He has a site set up where you can basically learn how to create your own arcs hands-on, using a tool they’ve built into the site. If you pay a minimum $10 fee, you get a year’s access to actually store and share your arcs with others. I’ve done it. Yeah. I’ve got an arc up there on Romans 8:5-8, because we’re there in Sunday School right now, and because that section seemed the most logically straightforward to cut my teeth on this method. I was actually surprised how much more the passage spoke to me the more I cut it apart and reassembled it noting the logical relationships between the propositions. I do feel like I need a pocket protector with a cross on it now, though.

In all seriousness, I can already see that this technique is going to open windows on the will of God in ways I had never imagined. I encourage all of my friends and fellow disciples to take a look and maybe even do some learning. There’s a video series on the site detailing how to get started, as well as beginner and intermediate examples. Get to know this technique and use it! I’m going to!

Now, I want to get one thing out of the way right now: I am not blaming these people. This church is going through a crazy time right now as they reinvent themselves in this new location. People are going to cling to familiarity in this time, and I understand that. My thought is that perhaps Karri and I aren’t being outgoing enough. In some situations I’ve found it helps to take the first step and sort of “engineer” a situation that breaks ice and results in phone numbers exchanged and friendships begun.

It is, however, an interesting shift from our initial impressions. We were welcomed warmly at the door and some of the greeter volunteers and staff even learned our names. Beyond this, the warmth seems to have faded and it has turned into what, for me, is a very familiar situation. Once you’re in the door and we know your name at my home and the homes of my extended family, you’re expected to a) fend for yourself as far as food and drink and such go (we don’t mind providing it, but you’re gonna by-God serve yourself) and b) show some initiative by engaging conversation and helping us get to know you. Wrong or right, this is the way I was raised, and it has shaped a lot of the way I approach social situations. Karri has remarked on more than one occasion that I tend to be more outgoing, and I guess this is part of why. These are the expectations I grew up with when I was a guest.

So, I think we will try a little harder. We have a Sunday school Christmas party coming up this Friday, so that ought to give us some opportunity to meet and get to know the people in our class.

It’s no secret that my most fervent desire, socially, is to gather a small group of close Christian friends and meet once or twice a week in addition to Sunday and Wednesday to share in fellowship and study the Bible. I crave deep discipleship, and I’m coming to a point where I really need people of like mind and heart, people who are near where I am in my walk with Christ, not necessarily in terms of Biblical scholarship, but that of the hurdles and obstacles we face in our spiritual lives. I’m desperate for someone who’ll listen without going, “Wow you’re deep…,” someone who’ll say, “you know, I know exactly what you’re talking about. I faced that…”

Anyway, perhaps what we need to do is just be a little more outgoing and engage people where they are.

No, I haven’t heard people refer to the Church as the mediator of Grace. It’s not that wacky yet, so things aren’t dire, to be sure. But I keep hearing an overwhelming emphasis on mission in the community by inviting people to “come and see,” and virtually none on the preparation of disciples and raising of leadership to go out into the community and preach the gospel. It’s as though there’s an assumption that the Holy Spirit will only move people to repentance within the church community, or that the goal of the church is to expand itself, not to live for Christ and reflect God’s glory so that others may believe.

Jeff was talking about a book that I want to pick up last night, called the Principle of the Path, by Andy Stanley. Well, this attitude marks a path that leads to the prideful declaration that the visible church is the same as the invisible, and that somehow our way of doing things as a church is the anointed Way that Jesus had in mind when he talked about His Church, to the exclusion of all others. I don’t feel I need to explain the grave error of this sort of thing. As Dad said last night on the phone, “denominations are God’s way of compensating for our sinful inability to grasp the real Truth,” and provide us sinners the ability to have fellowship with people of like mind and experiences in our faith. No one church (or denomination), I don’t care how pious they are, has a monopoly on the true objective Truth. As Paul said in 1 Corinthians 13, now we see through a mirror dimly. The full extent of the Truth that is God will be revealed only when we stand in His presence in the hereafter. If this is the path of the church as a whole, I hope we can swing things back to a focus on the Gospel humbly but fiercely and fearlessly preached, taught and lived. That is, I am convinced, the only Biblically correct definition of the mission of the global Church.

That said, I don’t think this is a systemic problem in First Hattiesburg, at least not yet. I don’t have a feel for the pulse of the place (there’s a LOT of people!), and I’d be very out of place bringing something like this up publicly I think. I might mention it in passing to Jeff, but other than that, I hope this is just me misreading something in the comments I’ve heard.

When I stepped back into the light and truly surrendered to God, it was… well, it would be really easy to cheapen with words in a vain attempt to describe it, but I can only liken it to an experience I’ve never had: dying.

No, I’m not kidding. Coming from where I was, with the shell of a man I had constructed around myself based almost entirely on clever deception, smoke and mirrors to make myself seem more than I was, the insecurity, the rage, the utter destructiveness (both self- and in general), it was nothing short of being completely released from the need for all that crap, something utterly out-of-body in nature. It didn’t end there, of course. I had to learn that each day I would be under attack by that old nature, sometimes stealthily, sometimes openly, and that I would need to lean daily (sometimes minute to minute) on the guiding hand of the Holy Spirit to get through the day without serious relapse. Sometimes we have success, sometimes I succumb. The fight continues, but only for the daily moment to moment vulgarities of this present fleshy prison. The war being fought for my soul was decided in that moment where I surrendered, and the freedom simply can’t be described. It has to be experienced to be understood.

(Yeah, I know, I said I would try not to cheapen it with words, and I wrote a freaking paragraph. I’m also a vain, verbose man with serious issues with the idolatry of intellect and the praise of man. God, save me from my own vanity.)

As a result, it’s very difficult for me to understand people whose experience of God has never been so dramatically personal. The whole slow-burn thing I get, and finding God in my day I certainly get, but how can people not get excited about being set free from slavery to sin? I really do not exaggerate when I say that God is present in just about my every waking thought. EVERYTHING is filtered through that lens, everything I do, everything I say, everything I THINK. Do others who haven’t had the radical life-shifting experiences I have think this way? Is there anyone else out there that lives like I do as a result of the Gospel?

Like I told my Dad last night, I feel like a radical amongst the “normal” people, regardless of where we go to church. I have to be careful about how I think about these guys. I do NOT want to discount their faith, but it is SO difficult when we come from such very different places. When I think of the word, “discipleship,” the very first things that pop into my head are Bonhoeffer’s description of “cheap grace” versus “costly grace,” and Jesus’ command for me to take up my cross and follow him, followed shortly by, “if you love me, do as I command.” These things DEFINE the growth of the Holy Spirit in my life, and when I don’t SEE these things in the people around me at church, it makes me self-conscious as hell, lol. I think, “well, am I a budding cult leader or something? Why is mine the only voice raised?”

So yeah, I just don’t understand. I don’t want to make it sound like I hold disdain for people whose faith doesn’t leave them gasping for breath all the time, nor do I want to make it seem like that’s the way it is for me, either. It is simply what I breathe. It has radically altered my life, and made me a radical for Christ in the process. Am I in the minority? Am I crazy? More, am I wrong to have embraced the Gospel like this and made it the center and sustainment of my life? I don’t think so (and scripture supports me pretty spectacularly), but I have been known to be wrong before.

God hears and answers prayers. I am, right now, being placed in situation after situation where I can learn this love, not just towards the nice benign puppies, trees, rainbows and flowers of this world, but the thorny, distorted, hostile and harmful bits. I’m learning how to love those who attack me, whether it’s justified or not. I’m learning how to step back and make decisions on how to behave and speak only after I’ve considered which path is most conducive to the increase of God’s glory through me. This week I had to learn how to turn the other cheek in a very real way, when my first instinct is, as always, to counterpunch as hard and viciously as I can.

God is also teaching me about suffering joyously. Over the last week, I’ve begun feeling drawn to charity sites, wanting to give as much as I can to things like Samaritan’s Purse, SCL’s Vietnamese School project, and as Abraham Piper pointed out earlier this week, adopt a child. The simple fact is that we are blessed with abundance. There’s pizza, hotdogs, lunchmeat, leftover taco meat, leftover hamburger helper and spanish rice in the fridge, along with assorted veggies and stuff like salsa. In the freezer, there’s a whole turkey, a couple of five-pound tubes of frozen hamburger, several bags of flash-frozen chicken breasts, and some frozen chili from last winter (still good, mind you). The pantry is stocked with more boxes of ready-to-make entrees, canned goods, and I think we still have most of a 50 lb bag of long grain rice. By the standards of the poorer parts of this world, we are fabulously, unfathomably wealthy.

I think Karri and I are going to start getting more involved than we have been. We’ve kicked around the idea of doing soup-kitchen and homeless shelter work on Thanksgiving and Christmas mornings. That will likely happen if I can get in touch with Christian Services here in town and figure out where to show up and volunteer. We’re also going to start tithing a bit more, which is to say we’re going to start tithing in general. I don’t know how much of it will go to our church. While I support them, and will likely tithe a portion to the church, there are other Christian charities out there that deserve our support.

Another idea that Karri and I are kicking around is adoption. We’re thinking we may try again for a boy in a few years, so we have another shot at a John Preston Weeks III, but I think we’re going to end up adopting as well. The way we look at it, we’ve been adopted into God’s family when we were dirtied, poor in spirit and in great need of some outside benefactor. The least we can do is to pay that forward and do the same for a child in need. God has blessed us with so much, how can we fail to share with those who have needs dire and immediate?

Lately I’ve been drawn towards mission work overseas as well, though I know the time is “not yet.” How I know that is something of a mystery (it very easily could be my own fear saying that, of course), but I don’t want to put my family in an even tougher situation, put strain on my marriage just as we’re really starting to gain some real, faith-founded strength. That seems to me to be a bit like flirting with disaster a bit overmuch. Now, that being said, if the church organizes a group and there’s some sort of childcare solution available, we’re outta here. I kinda want to go before the kids are in regular school and thus tied down to a specific place, since that makes getting care for them even harder. I don’t think it prudent to take them with us if we’re going places where Christianity is not exactly accepted and there is danger. If we’re going to the mountains of Tennessee, sure. If we’re going to Namibia, UAE, Yemen, Vietnam, China, Indonesia, etc… no. Whatever the schedule or hurdles, I think we’re going to end up overseas at some point in the nearish future, depending on the volunteer groups available and what kind of work needs to be done. I don’t think I’d be too useful if steel work needs to be done, but I can build a mean wheelchair ramp, paint like a wild man, and share the gospel to any who’ll stand still long enough to hear it.

Anyway, as for the unnamed detractors referred to at the top of this post, let me excerpt from the note I wrote to my wife as we sought to deal with the situation:

I must make a confession. Up to this point, I have not taken this seriously. Frankly, in the long term vision of the future, this petty drama matters only in how we handle it insofar as we are attentive to the will of God in moving forward. Our sufferings very likely could be our appointed cross to bear at this moment, and we need to have the humility to see that and ask God to light the path forward with His word, then suffer with joy, knowing our suffering brings us closer to Him.

With that being said the only possible response to the email we received, for a follower of Christ, is love.

“4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ”
1 Cor 13:4-7 (NIV)

We’ve discussed this before, and it is, along with the following passage, the foundation for all of Christian life:

28 One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ 31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.“32 “Well said, teacher,” the man replied. “You are right in saying that God is one and there is no other but him. 33 To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.”34 When Jesus saw that he had answered wisely, he said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.” And from then on no one dared ask him any more questions.
Mark 12:28-34 (NIV)

Love, then, should mark the life of a believer regenerated and being sanctified by the continued work of the Holy Spirit.

So, in love and the hope of future reconciliation, not with us but with their creator, we must follow Paul’s instructions to the church in Corinth in 1 Corinthians chapter 5 and cast these people out of our lives in order that a) we might protect ourselves and our children from the corrosive effects of the Enemy’s will working in their lives and b) that they might walk in darkness and gain an appreciation for the light, that they might perhaps be saved.

I of course don’t wish harm on them, though in moments of anger I might say otherwise. I know, however, that a life lived apart from Jesus is harm itself. Am I judging their salvation? No. I am, however, judging the fruits of their lives.

19 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. 25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.
Gal 5:19-26 (NIV)

Have we produced sinful fruits in our lives? Certainly. Whenever the sinful nature starts to creep back into our lives, the fruits of sin start to show their ugly faces. Our behavior in this time has been about as exemplary as can be expected. Our initial response was laden with sarcasm, yes. However, we were responding to an uncharitable remark made about us and our faith, and the shock of the event really brought the pain and grief of the week (and indeed years) prior out on full display.

Their behavior, however, has been nothing if not a perfect Biblical example of the fruits of the sinful nature. It’s exactly what could be expected of someone so far removed from the love of God. As Paul says back in 1 Corinthians 5, should we really expect those with no faith to behave as those who do possess God-given faith? No, we shouldn’t. So, while it comes as no surprise in eternal terms that they should behave the way they have, it is still shocking and dismaying that they would do so towards family. I suppose familiarity breeds contempt, but in this case they are not nearly so familiar as they claim to be. Assumptions and hasty conclusions lead them to a place where they have painted a picture that bears little to no resemblance to reality.

So, let us bid farewell to them. May God touch their hearts and bring them to Him on their knees before the appointed time of judgment so that they can share in the love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control of God. If such a time should come, I hope they do consider re-contacting us. Until then, I hope and pray God does not burden their lives overmuch, and that they would be receptive to the lessons He is trying to teach. That is all I can do for them. Pray.

-Evan

P.S. Reading list for this week (and this is just a snapshot):

http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/gospel-cowards
http://firstthings.com/blogs/evangel/2009/11/whats-holy/
http://jonandjenzila.blogspot.com/2009/11/post-that-almost-wasnt.html
http://firstthings.com/blogs/evangel/2009/11/glorified-in-their-dishonor/
http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tgc/2009/11/10/carson-on-the-purpose-of-the-parables/
http://www.desiringgod.org/Blog/2093_when_you_dont_feel_like_it_take_heart/
http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/TasteAndSee/ByDate/2009/4382_Satan_World_Providence_Christ/
http://teampyro.blogspot.com/2006/12/and-you-were-going-to-do-this-when.html

The kids are doing great. Lily bursts out with, “Jesus loves me!” at the dinner table after reminding me that we need to pray. Laurel will chant the prayer over and over as she eats (or refuses to, either way). I’ve started praying with Lily at night much more seriously, after we pray her singsong-y children’s prayer. I want her to hear me pray deeply and spirit-led, because I don’t want her to have the impression that such things are always superficial. Even if she doesn’t understand now, someday she may look back and hear those words and understand them.

As for myself… I think I may have reached a depth that I will have to stay at for a while as I acclimate and wrap my mind and heart around some things. I joke about rivets popping and joints spraying steam in the submarine that is my faith, but a few of the more recent revelations have been like depth charges in truth. Frankly, I’m struggling with how to apply these truths to my life without going batty and discarding the last bits of who I am, or was, and becoming some sort of hyper-spiritual Christian with no friends. How DO you give up everything without losing you? I’ve laughed and caroled my way to the edge of this precipice, talking up a great game about what I’d do, or mistakenly thinking I’d already done it, but now that I’m looking over the edge it’s very difficult to actually take the final leap and toss away the last bit (or what seems like the last bit) of the sinful me.

I’m talking here about giving up my idols. The things I cling to that tell me who I am. I spend loads of money every month on video games. I spend a lot of time on them as well. Guess what? The things we spend our money and time on are the things we worship. It’s an idol. We’ve also canceled DirectTV. Too often we can get pulled into the boob tube on some mindless escapist entertainment that is all too often just a provider of more ways the Enemy’s servants can sink hooks into us. So, when I’m home we hook my laptop up, watch the shows we really loved on iTunes or Hulu (Top Chef, Top Gear, etc) or sermons by John Piper, Driscoll, Pete Wilson, etc. We’ve recently listened our way through Focus on the Family’s radio dramatization of C.S. Lewis’ The Screwtape Letters as well. I feel like, to use a characterization stolen from Mark Driscoll, we’re charging the gates of Hell with waterguns.

Here’s one of my snags: if I were to excise from my life everything that is a stumbling block to giving glory to God, I might as well stop breathing right now. (No, I’m not suicidal. Far from it.) Really, though, the very fact of life on earth is a stumbling block to being a perfect reflector of God’s glory. There is no possible way to exist in the world we live in and not be affected by the rampant, gleeful sin that takes place around us. It’s infectious, virulent and almost always so small that by the time you’ve spotted it, you’re already guilty. I’m brought to a place where I ask the famous question, “How Should We Then Live?”

Thankfully, Francis Schaffer’s book by the same name is next in line on my stack. I’m also eyeing Desiring God by John Piper. I’ve yet to finish it and I think it’s time I really made my way through it seriously. There are two things lacking in the way I’m approaching my faith right now, so far as I can see it. First, I’m neglecting the Joy of God in His created things. I need to relax and see the world as God sees it, with unlimited love. Secondly, I have issues connecting deeper theological issues with people whose submarines(their faith) aren’t remotely ready to dive deep. Part of this may be my inability to see where they are in their faith and connect only appropriate truths for them, and part of it may be a sense of pride or arrogance on my part that wants to make some deep point and be praised for my depth of faith. Ugh. Makes my skin crawl when I catch myself doing stuff like that. I’m excited about my faith, yes. I’m an utter Jesus Freak and Bible geek, but when I start exhibiting it for the praise of man, I’ve completely gone off-track on a collision course with the Grace of God. I need to learn to help teach people at THEIR level, to put vast mysteries in little boxes they can open, digest and understand. Otherwise, how the hell am I going to reach a flock?

Oh, what truths have I been struggling with?

Every time God explains what He’s about to do, you know the reason He gives for whatever it is He’s about to do? “I will gain glory.” “It’s for my glory.” “I will be glorified.” Don’t take my word for it, go look. My favorites are Exodus 14, Isaiah 43:7, Daniel 9:17-19 (Daniel prays for Jerusalem’s salvation because it bears God’s name!), John 11 and John 13.

We exist, we scurry around this watery planet and draw breath after providential, miraculous breath for a single reason: to reflect God’s glory back to Him. The more we DO these things we were made to DO, the more content we become. When Paul talks about having found the secret to contentment in all things (Philippians 4:10-13), I think this is what he found. And you know the crazy thing? Having found it, I’m no closer to understanding or implementing it in my life. It’s the meaning of life, it’s the lasting, permanent, rock-solid filler for the hole in our lives, and it’s almost beyond our natures to actually DO it.

Had someone explained this to me just two or three years ago, I’d have rejected it outright. I’d have said, “no way can I follow a God whose only reason for creating and then allowing sin to corrupt, destroy and cause terror and pain is for His glory. That’s tragic, not triumphant. It’s an utter tragedy, and kills any hope of faith in my life.”

Now I’m where I am. I am saved by the unmerited Grace of my creator, and allowed, given the strength should I accept it, to walk the path Jesus showed us how to walk when He lived. God’s total self-concern isn’t tragic to me now, it’s hope. It’s a recognition that He is in fact God and I am not, and that this fact alone, long before His Grace saved me, obligates me to worship at His feet and reflect His glory as I am enabled by the Holy Spirit.

I give up my aspirations, my ambition for myself, my hopes and dreams of comfortable retirement in or around the caribbean, my desires to see my wife adorned in the best the world can offer in fashion and jewelry and for my children to want for utterly nothing. I give up my pain, my history of stupid mistakes and loud support for moral wrong. I give up my love of video games, motorcycles and comfort food. I give up my infatuation with the sound of my own voice and my own ideas, my pride in the intelligence and wisdom God gave me. I give up my self.

Substitute yourself for me, Lord. Take it all. Take everything. Take from me until there is nothing left of me, and then bring me alive in You. Give me Your fiery purpose, Your gentle touch, Your submission to the will of the Father, Your wisdom, Your love. Indwell me and let the fire of Your glory sear the wounds in my soul shut. Fill the emptiness with Your presence. Teach me to love my family, my church and my fellow man with the same reckless abandon with which You went to the cross. Open my eyes to my faults and show me how to correct them. Lead me, repeatedly, through the valley of the shadow of death, if by doing so I can gain You glory. Let every moment of pain I suffer as well as every pleasure and comfort give You glory and praise.

Show me what You showed Paul. Do in my life what I am incapable of doing myself. The changes I’ve made so far are the tip of the iceberg and are paltry compared to the glory that is You. Make my life a beacon of Your glory in the midst of a dark and sinful world that you might, through me, draw more to the wellspring of living water that is Your Son, Jesus. May the light You shine through me light the paths of those around me, whether they be few or many.

This prayer I pray this day and every moment of my waking life, in the strong and holy name of Jesus Christ, my risen and exalted savior. Amen.

PS: That prayer was… unexpected. I didn’t exactly sit down to write that… but rereading it, I really do mean it. I think this is what it means to really have a relationship with my creator. Oh man, was that a seal giving way in the corridor? *picks up 1MC* Damage control team to the bridge corridor *clicks off the mic* watch officer, what’s your depth?